Friday, March 28

"Feelings, nothing more than feelings" OR somebody shoot me.

I suspect--after having been to a mtg tonight in which almost everyone mentioned depression and/or cried!!--that the weather must be taking it's toll on us weary souls. I announced to my Dr. today that the experiment of me weaning off of the anti-depressants has been a dismal failure.(followed by sobs and wailing) Here in the midwest the greyness has GOT to subside soon...
Please God.

So, I'm feeling like death warmed over, from this AWFUL sinus thing that's been going around, I can't remember the last time that I couldn't even get myself up off of the couch for more than 3 or 4 hours combined, a day, and I am informed that my MOTHER has read both of my blogs. She wants to know what their "PURPOSE" is? "What is a weblog? I want to know the purpose of them" So, I step right directly into it:
"It's, uh, like a journal, Mom, you write whatever you're thinking about, or whatever is going on in your life..." "So anyone can read it??" (DOH)
(WTF was I thinking? You don't just let any one know what's going on with you!!! There are things that you don't tell other people about! Dammit, abbie, you forgot the FAMILY RULES!!!!)

and after she left, and I cried, great big crocodile tears (WHY are they called that, does anyone know?), I started to think about why that simple little question of hers got me so upset?
I am grateful that I can report that I did not answer her with the thoughts that shot through my head (see above), but rather I stated that I really was not in any condition to talk to her about it right now, but at another time when I was not SICK, we could discuss it, or something like that. It occurred to me at the time, about mid-sentence, in fact, that she probably was not aware that the removal of the antidepressants was having such an effect on my ability to "deal" with things. I know I'd told her I was going to stop taking them, but maybe she'd forgotten, or maybe I'd assumed that she would know, since *I* know, I forget that it doesn't always = HER knowing it, too.
I don't know. I'm sure it can't be pleasant, being my mom, a lot of the time. I've tried to be more considerate of her feelings, and of the place she's at in life, and the miscellaneous trials she goes through. I have been making the "living amends", as best I am able, for the last few years. But I'm just not able to live up to MY own expectations so often, and when the depression comes rolling out again, I have such an impossible time with not meeting hers. I hurt her so many times and in more ways than I am probably even aware, as a young punk, that I know I'll be doing my best to tip the scales for the rest of our lives. God knows. I know that she sees it, but maybe it's those parts that are so similar, that rub up against each other when things are more difficult, and make us each a bit more sensitive to the other.

Oh, and for the record, I WAS irritated at the meeting, b/c we weren't there to talk about being DEPRESSED!!!!! It's a flippin' 12 STEP meeting, NOT GROUP THERAPY!!!!
But I didn't have to share that with them. I don't have to be the center of the universe, all the time, today. But I DID whine a little about nobody getting up to hug me when I came in. Used to be, at that meeting, I couldn't even get halfway across the room to a seat before 2 ppl would be up to give me a hug. So I come in all beat up and looking like crap (figuratively speaking), and NOBODY hugs me!? (wah wah wah)
I think I'll quit now. What a big baby I can be.
Someone coulda got up to hug me.