addiction is a MOTHER

Ok, so tonight was the funeral for Daniel Warner, age 26. He was a beautiful young man, loved sports and loved to cut up and make those around him feel good about life. He left behind a boy (2) and a girl (4 years old).
Pastor T preached from the Book of Daniel, ironically. There were probably 5x as many people in the church as I've ever seen before, and most of them were well under the age of 30. To say that it was disturbing would be a misnomer. When Daniel's Dad stood up in front of the church and talked about his son, it made me think of my own sons. Before that, there were a number of videos of Daniel as a young boy, showing him and a bit of what he was like. The parts of him at about 8 years old were the ones I liked best. He has a big flat doll that I assume was supposed to be a famous wrestler, and for the camera, Daniel proceeded to "wrassle" with him and pretty much gave him what for. Of course his little boy voice was also doing the commentary on the wrestling match and there were a lot of body slams involved. Daniel would pin the doll and look up with a big silly grin, then in a minute twist his face up trying to look fierce for the camera...I just thought of how he was "...so ALIVE". The most recent video images of Daniel were probably from when he was in high school, running on the track team.
The stories I heard were that when they found him--his daughter found him, by the way--his heart had exploded in his chest. A friend told me during the service about a phone call she'd received from Dan's Mom earlier in the evening before he died, that she wasn't sure if they needed help with him at that time or not, that he was "so wasted"...
Then my friend heard the sirens and she knew that something was up. She said she'd thought that probably something had happened with the little ones, knowing that young children are usually getting into something...
I was really proud that the message given during the service was that yes, Daniel was a victim of his own addiction, but that God loved him and that there is GRACE and forgiveness to be found at the cross. Jesus came to earth for JUST that kind of folks. God help those of us who spent so long hearing only of God's wrath, so that we are afraid to EVER try to return to Him. It took me over 5 years in recovery to even consider returning to God, so effectively was I beaten with the message of wrath and judgment. I've heard people state that they beat the Hell out of someone with their Bible, and that's what I had experienced, pretty much. But they never told me that Jesus preferred to hang out with the "fallen" women and the tax collectors...I am convinced today that He would have been in the bars and the dope houses... or at the least, in the 12 step meetings. Maybe He is there, today. At any rate, the message was put out there tonight, that there is a place for every lost and wandering addict, alkie, liar, or just plain old run-of-the-mill sinner. I know I felt a little better afterward. I hope God was pleased. I'm pretty sure Daniel would have been.

And so it goes...

I was correct when I surmised that Shep had a lot of OLD cr*p coming up to the surface, and it became apparent to me that it's more than I am willing or (more likely) able to handle. He has to deal with his inner demons. I'd love to help, but ....uh, yeah. That is SO old behavior that I'm not even gonna look at it right now. So, we have accomplished an indefinite pause in the relationship. I feel certain that it is for good, primarily because he seems to be of the opinion that he doesn't need to apply any steps to his life.
So, I am sad. A lot of this is me empathizing. I remember feeling so much of what he seems to be going through, when I was pregnant with my oldest. (Yes, JUST before I got clean) But that's the good part, that I hold onto. Our time together has been good, and I am grateful for it, no doubt. I also am grateful that he can move ahead on his journey without my interfering. I pointed the way for him, and he's seen that miracles happen. I just hate knowing that he's feeling all those awful things. Abandonment is a MOTHER. Rejection, ditto...They are foul spirits, I can feel it. Their boss if a LIAR, so I will pray for them to get away and don't even TRY to come back over here.
So, how's your week, so far?
:)

Oh, yeah...

So, I had to ask "WHEN were you going to talk to me about this?" When I realized that Shep had not actually stopped drinking, as I had been lead to believe. I didn't know what else to say. I told him that I thought we needed to take a break, to slow things waaay down. He replied that that was what he'd feared, and that he'd trusted me and all this and that, which sounded like it was his old stuff coming up. I understand that. I said to him that recovery is one of the few things in my life that I do NOT play with, and that I could not consider a lifelong relationship with a person who was actively in their addiction. (He told me a while back that he believed himself to be an alcoholic, which is not the issue.) He feels betrayed, I guess. I feel...sad. But also, glad that it's come out, now. I needed help with my tendency to rush, and this has taken the foot OFF of the gas pedal.
Hm.

Life is funny

Today I'm sitting at the desk of my new work-abode, thinking of things "Access to Recovery"-related. At the same time, I am thinking of a young man of 26, whose parents go to my church. His parents are grieving his death (O.D.) last week. I wasn't sure if I'd seen him with them, so I looked up his myspace page last night. I recognised the pictures of his little boy and girl playing and romping with their grandparents. I think I might have seen him before, but I can't say for sure. It sure is funny that these two ocurrances (ie starting this gig and his death) happened so closely together. I wonder what I will come up with once I've correctly added this equation.
I do not and can not believe in coincidence. God bless those little ones left behind. And God DAMN the utter desolation of addiction.

Quote-alicious Goodness!! ;)

"The greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen by them,
heard by them, to be understood and touched by them. The greatest gift I can give
is to see, hear, understand and to touch another person.
When this is done I feel contact has been made."
~ Virginia Satir

Wisdom found while surfing...from Xanga!

Reasons Why Women Rock:

1. It's Biblical. Adam got sad and lonely and so God made him a partner, enter WOMAN!! She completed man and brought forth children onto the earth, which brings me to my next point...

2. Not a SINGLE ONE OF US would be here if it weren't for a woman. You don't even really need to have a man present to have a kid anymore. Science has given us the ability to replace that part of the equation, but they have yet to replace the best damned incubator on the face of the planet...Us.

3. Yes it's creepy, and gross, but we can bleed for a week and not die.....ha. ha.

4. Women work more than men. Now before you guys get your panties all in a twist, think about it. Who says yes to you when you propose, goes through all the paperwork to change her name on her drivers license, SS card, Passport etc. who has the kid, nurses it, weans it, feeds it (most of the time) cleans it (again, most of the time) clothes it, kisses its boo boos better, helps it get ready for prom/first date, and still finds time to cook, clean, love her husband and have a career (again, generalization)?

5. Women have made more advances than men for their gender. We went from repressed, dominated weaklings, to burning bras, gaining the right to vote, fighting for and serving our country, and running it if we wanted. We have Women Chiefs of Police, Fire Marshals, Chief Justices, Senators, House Representatives, Speakers for the House, Scientists, and in any other job you can imagine. And all of this is new. Yes there are jobs that women still can't do, like be in combat (though I believe that will change with time) but we're getting there.

6. We're pretty and boys want us.

7. We are strong. I mean, have you ever messed with a kid in front of his mom? I did ONCE and I got chewed out, and when I got home, I got my butt whooped by my mom, and it hurt WAY worse than my dad's spankings.

8. Women are also soft. We know we can be hard ass career minded kick ass bitches, but at the end of the day, we like to cuddle and talk and ease our stress, and our man's stress...which again leads to ...

9. We are loving. Every women, no matter how tough, has that one person that she loves more than anyone else and will sacrifice for even up to her life to make happy.

10. Boobs. ( I know kinda a mood killer after those last too paragraphs, but they don't look good on guys. Be proud of your racks ladies!)

Do you agree with this list? Why do you think women rock?

Is it possible?

...that it's been this long since I've written here?
Well, I'm not going to be able to get long-winded now, but suffice it to say that the Lord has been moving in my life and I've been managing (for the most part)to keep myself out of the way. :D
I am grateful to have met a very kind, honest, transparent, even(--if that is possible) man.
I am employed once again, and looking for information as to how we might go about creating an off-the-grid home for our family. Living in the Midwest, it's not as easy a project as it might be in warmer climates. But for now we seem to be attached to this area rather strongly.
I hope that you are all keeping warm and staying close to the One who has the world in His hands. He is near to the broken-hearted, and has promised that IF we will draw near to Him, He will draw near to us. His Name is Comforter, Counselor, Prince of PEACE...don't we all need more and more of that on a daily basis...

Pretty good for a Monday. :)

Today I went for a jobby-job interview, which has great promise because the caller who invited me, said that he'd looked over my resume previously, and kept it for when there was a position on my side of town. I learned this morning that there WILL be a position, in about a month. THEN, whilst I was reclining at Shep's place, 8D , I got a call to come to another job interview tomorrow!! Woo Hoo!! That's pretty good, huh?
Shep and I talked about some heavy things today, and I know he wasn't very comfortable talking about some of it, but I'm grateful that he did. I'm crazy about him, even though he's not perfect. ;) CLEARLY, if he was perfect, he'd never give me the time of day. LOL
Have a good one, gang.