Tuesday, January 29

Courage to change the things I CAN

OK, Sunday morning before church, I put a bit more of the screaming pink color on my hair, and now there is NO way you cannot see it. It's really bright. It symbolizes to me, the flowers coming up b/c I am really OVER the dreariness of the winter. It has barely snowed, and it's been grey and depressing, IMHO, so I got my hair to look a bit more alive.
Now, this morning I sat, and exercised---no, really!--- for like an hour watching the Biggest Loser from the NBC website. (See link below) I think this might just help me to get the motivation I need to JUST FREAKIN' DO IT!!!!!! Coz, ya know, when ya get to doing those searching and fearless moral inventories, and I look at whether my feet are matching up with my mouth, truth is, my butt says that I still DO have some non-spiritual "coping" mechanisms in place. I've had a picture of myself posted in my medicine cabinet for about a year now, looking really bovine, and I HATE that picture. It's telling the truth, is why. Even the picture of Valerie Bertinelli (the before picture) hasn't been all THAT impressive. I guess I am going to have to just quit whining to myself and making excuses. UGH. So, blog-browsers, now you know the thing that I most struggle with, intimately.
I LOVE ice cream. I would marry some cake with that whipped cream icing---or even the cream cheese kind! But I hate the way I feel and look. No, I'm not as big as the ppl on the Biggest Loser, but it would really be easy to go there. I consciously put on weight for a while, KNOWING that it was a good place to hide. Knowing it would be a way to discourage any kind of advances...
So. there it is.
I am glad that no one reads this, yet. I am afraid that there will be repercussions or the accountability kind. I really need some help, but I don't know where to look. I can't afford a membership and that never worked before. I just dealt with the guilt of wasting the money.
Maybe a friend will turn up and tell me that we are going to do something together on a regular basis. Yeah right. Well, I do know that when I've gotten uncomfortable enough, I will make the changes I need to. I just hope I can get the strength and determination together to DO IT and not quit.

Please pray for me.