Sunday, February 10

Sunday Morning...

Again. Good morning, all.
My children are giving me money. Well, in particular, the nearly-15-year-old is. Because he said "CRAP", once again. We had a jar for a while, and have implemented the same a number of times, where each time anyone said a word from the Potty Word list, they had to contribute a quarter. It actually went pretty well, and raised a bit of change, b/c the dXh was living with us at the time. Mr. "Not Interested in any type of Self-Control Whatsoever" tends to be good for funding that sort of thing. Eventually, he & I would just go and give the change jar a few dollars in preparation for a "conversation".
I try to keep the language at a "G" rating here, knowing full well that it's an uphill battle. The little one follows the path of the older, regardless of where it may lead. So, as in many areas, it seems that I am "punching at the wind". (A paraphrase from the Bible, I believe. It sounds like something that Paul would say, doesn't it?)
However, continue, I must.
I am continually being surprised by the ever-increasing difficulty of this single-parenting gig. I want to be a Mom that I can respect, but so often that's the furthest from how I see me. Sure, I'm hard on myself; it's nearly impossible to get a reality check in this area. Mom has HER ideas, my s-i-l has HER theories, and lately I feel drained to the extent of just trying to get through the day intact, with no one bleeding.
Speaking of which, I am. Heavily. More than usual, actually. (Apologies to any menfolk who might have wandered in.) But it does affect my ability to cope. I never had a heavy ".", until the last few years, as things seem to be winding down toward the Blessed time of No Flow....
I slapped my older son upside the head last night on the way home, when he decided that he needed to have the last word, again, in some unimportant debate. Again. I have been careful not to release my impulses in that direction, up until then, knowing that I do NOT want to succumb to THAT level of interaction with my child. It's so completely like the rest of the White Trash community that I find myself living in, currently.
Hadn't said that before. But I suppose it's true. When all your neighbors are either alcoholics, addicted to something, in-breeders, or a combination of the three--oh, and let's not forget the Crack Manufacturers, as well--it is difficult to control the instinctual urge to fight back. At anything, it seems.
So, I guess I'll continue to look into options, to find some way to give the boys some positive male interaction. My family is out of the question. N has his own family and responsibilities to tend to, and I guess I know better than to ask for something like that. I think he has fallen into the same "busy-ness" trap that most everyone I know lives in, and I do not want a part in adding to his already full schedule. I've asked men from church, same answer. Asked men from everywhere I can think of, with the same results. I have NOT yet sought out assistance from an organization like Big Brothers, b/c I am afraid of the possible results, ie a bad man could get in under the radar and do more damage than good.
Sorry for rambling. I guess if you know me, you know that it's not uncommon. :o)
I leave you with this thought, which I believe is credited to Abe Lincoln:

"If you think you can, or if you think you can't,
You're right."

P. S.
Note to self:
For cryin' out loud, ab, ease up on the kid! If a 15 year old can't say "CRAP" occasionally, then what do you expect him to say??!!
Yeah, you're right. thanks, ab.
de nada.