It's not like there is any mystery here. It's been there for many, many years. Probably since I was old enough for men to even notice me. I can admit it: I'm a magnet for the odd, abnormal, and also neurotic/psychotic. Sure, there have been times when I didn't think it such a bad thing, but I am fairly sure it wasn't during any of my more "sane" moments. Any time I'm anywhere, if there is a male who is looking for a girlfriend, if he is on the lower end of the genetic (and/or ethical) scale, let's say, he will absolutely be finding me and looking for ways to become my boyfriend. Yee Haw.
My last husband used to tease me about this, since he often got to watch the whole thing with amusement. When we lived in a certain state, there were 2 guys at the meetings there named "Jim", and they were pals. Jim and Jim were unusual, but very nice and it was definitely great that they were able to keep coming back and get ahold of recovery. Jim #1 was slightly more verbal than #2. I never did narrow down what the "other" issues were, but #1 would be in front of the meeting place for at least a half hour before the meeting began, pacing back and forth with the look of someone who was really GOING SOMEWHERE. His grayish hair was all slicked back, so it was unable to move in the considerable breeze he created, and Jim looked like a man with a mission. Yet, he always slowed down and said "hi" very nicely whenever we arrived. Then during the meeting, Jim #1 would usually sit and rock in his chair.
Jim #2, the first Jim's buddy, (roommates, maybe? I don't know) was less subdued about how he felt than #1, and he was a big hugger. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of hugs, as long as there are no alternative ideas going on---you know what I mean, ladies. The Jims never seemed to be going down that road, though, sometimes #2 was known to be a bit of a tight hugger. The most vivid memory of the Jims was when Jim #2 got him some "new teeth!" and came into the meeting ALL SMILES and announced it to everyone. It was so childlike, and he was obviously QUITE happy about it.
See, I think this is because I have a great deal of empathy for people who have had a rough time of it. Once a man on a work site (when I worked construction for a short time) who looked like Santa Claus spent close to an hour telling me his life story. Why, I'll never know. Maybe it came from being ignored and generally feeling unwanted as a little child. Either way, if someone foresaw a man coming up to me out of the blue, I can promise you he'd either be just really, really weird, or definitely an ex-con.
SO, this brings me to the actual reason I began this little muse. Last night I was sitting at a meeting and there was a fairly new guy next to me; he was dressed like a working man, clean-cut, intelligent, etc.... we made the usual before-meeting chit-chat, and things were cool enough. Then I notice that during the meeting when I'm sitting forward in my seat, his arm just "happens" to be dangling across the back of my chair. No biggie, really, except that we had been kind of exchanging a vibe --nothing perceivable, but I guess my radar was turned up a bit more than ordinarily it would have been, and it was a bit strange. Probably, now that I think of it, I was kind of distracted by this because I've not had anyone do anything like that except for the dXh for over 10 years.
Not long after that, imagine my surprise when he causally mentioned something about his "wife" and going to an "S.A." meeting the next night. (eyebrows up) "A what?" "mumble mumble sex thing mumble." I asked if he was going to bring his wife with him to it, (JOKING) and he said no the problem is that it's not something he has a problem with, with HIS WIFE.
And, yes the red flags are officially ALL THE WAY UP!
Now, I'm not one to think much of myself, physically, at this point. But, doesn't it seem like there would be possibly, oh, I don't know...a MOTIVE there, in mentioning that to someone of the opposite sex?
I don't know, but the meeting tonight was about growth, and I was very grateful that I've grown enough in the past ___ years that I do not have to react to things like that, noticeably. AND, just because a man who might have something going for him (nicely dressed, remember) might be taking notice, that does NOT mean that I need to reciprocate. So I acted like I didn't give it another thought, but I will tell you here that I did. It surprised me, and caught me almost off guard, because I've been thinking about things of a more physical nature lately...
But, as they've taught me in the rooms of recovery, I can think about things without having to Do anything. That would def be a relapse flag. Would it be really bad to go get ahold of dXh for a night? Uh...yeah. It would. I guess.
I know this will pass, but there are times when I remember the really good things about our relationship.
So, that was an interesting night, last night. I know there are natural hormones and all, going on in me, even if I AM "pre-menopausal" already. And I know that it irritates me when dXh refers to me as a Hootchie, as if that's a good thing. Once upon a time, it wasn't a bad thing, but for whatever reason, as I've aged, I am no longer willing to be appreciated exclusively for the outer appearance. Sometimes, sure, it's a nice ego-stroke. But over-all, that's NOT my main purpose in life, as opposed to what I was led to believe so long ago....
I hope that didn't ramble TOO much. Very tired and more than a little squirrelly, I s'pose.
Better be getting to bed, soon. And, yes, it will remain, alone. :o)