Tuesday, March 4

Why I need Grace every day.

This evening started out like most;
I went to pick up the boys at the Boys & Girls Club after school, (check.) where they were at the video game thing, arguing and scuffling over the game they were playing together (check). I told them it was time to go (check.), then several more times (check.) They continue playing their game and ignoring me (check. check.)
The next thing I know, the little one is kicking at the bigger one, who grabs the littler one and pushes him away, forcefully. For a split second I am aware that (1) we are in public, and that (2) I do not want to hit them. By the time we have arrived at home, I have grounded the bigger boy from the Game-Cube (addiction du jour), and they are both going to go to bed early.
Shortly after we are all inside the apartment, I find myself standing over the bigger one telling him that he will never be big enough to follow through on the hand he had raised to me seconds earlier. No, strike that. He didn't raise his hand. He just moved toward me aggressively, and I "filled in the blanks" of the rest.
I told him that I didn't get paid enough to put up with that bulls**t, and that he'd better not even think of leaving his room the rest of the night. He'd kind of fallen off (slid off, against the wall) the stool in his room, and I picked it up and slammed in to the ground, making an impressively loud noise.
I feel like crap.
I know that I am weaning myself off of a medication and that the withdrawals are likely to blame for some of that. But does it make me feel any better? Does it take away the way I behaved toward my son???

I do not believe that I have to remain on medication forever. I may well need to get into some kind of therapy--the FREE kind, sadly, is all I can afford--but I want to know if it is possible for me to maintain w/o NEEDING medication. For a generic, low-grade depression and OCD, + PTSD, it doesn't seem like it is impossible, does it?