Friday, May 16

I just don't know. But He does.

Hey, friends.
After almost a month, I'm going to finally put something new up here. Just to let you know why I haven't been feeling much like sharing what's up in my little world...
Good news:
DEAN'S LIST!!! WOOO HOOOO Second time!! (WHO would have ever believed it!??!!)
Still employed!!!! Still clean!!! Still haven't been arrested or maimed my children!!!!

OK, now the rest of the story, or at least what I am willing to share on here...
I became somewhat obsessed with the online introductions thing, and every time I've been near a computer, now, I've been anxiously looking to see what's new on the sites that I've joined. KNOWING that in my gut, I don't think it's time, at all. Why do I keep looking, then? I suppose it's because I'm lonely, and I'm afraid to approach God like I want to; what if I do and I get no response?? I mean, I know He's there, but...
Then there's the self-confidence boost, when a person I think looks like a good "friend candidate" shows similar interest in me. And, I suppose the truth is, I've been SO isolating lately. I know it's my choice. But I feel like I don't have any comerades at the moment, that actually GET where I'm at. Or maybe I just don't want to hear what they have to say.
Pardon me while I have a little tantrum:
THEY don't GET ME!! They don't give a rat's *ss, even if they DO GET ME. Everyone is too friggin' busy to spend any of their precious time being involved with my little life. OH, except for Mom, of course...
I think I'd better stop now. My Mom has been as supportive of me as she could possibly be, and I'm just a big baby sometimes. I don't like change, I don't like having to be the adult in my household, and I certainly don't like having to be the MATURE one while dealing with a FIFTEEN year-old boy, and an overgrown infant like my X.
I read a little bit of "Boundaries for Teens" (S. Arteburn SP?)this morning and it was helpful.
My medication juggling has been a bad addition to the insanity and chaos in my life. I'm back on something for the depression, now. I don't want to talk to AM about it, b/c she's the one who gave me so many pep talks when I was trying to go off of them; she manages hers without any medications, and I know that at least one other mental disorder that I have, she also shares. Therefore, I can't really say that she doesn't know what it's like. And now she is living with the knowledge that her Dad is getting sicker with Cancer, kind of rapidly, and all the feelings that come with that. (I have those feelings so close to the surface, re: my own Dad, that even as I write this, my eyes are blurred with tears.)
So, when the Dr. asked me yesterday if I'd been feeling suicidal, it was almost like a lightbulb over my head:
"Hey, now THERE'S an idea!!!!"

Just kidding. I would like a vacation. I know what I CAN'T do. But what can I do?
I will let you know if I come up with anything good.
I remember when recovery felt good, more often than not.