I've been having trouble getting logged in, here. Not sure exactly what's up, but I wanted to tell you all that I'm alive and doing well. I'm going to meet a guy for coffee (and maybe a bite) after work this evening. I'm determined to get over my last "learning experience", and I suppose this could help. I dunno. My heart's not entirely in it, but maybe that's for the best.
I've been feeling things recently that I haven't felt for such a long time, and some of them have been surprising me. Things that would be absolutely self-destructive, like acting-out with ---anyone---that I KNOW would only lead to de-valuing myself and blowing away any self-esteem that I might have left. I will not be doing that. The momentary satisfaction of feeling a pair of strong arms around me would NOT be worth the grief and despair I would definately have to deal with later. So, I guess this is the "moderate" acting out--just having coffee or a bite to eat, instead of actually doing the things that would be "all-or-nothing" and lead to my demise. I am looking forward to spending time with a handsome man. I don't know that it's THIS one that I'd prefer to be with, but he is a nice person, and I am open to the idea of getting to know him, and who knows what may come of it? Maybe nothing, or maybe something. I'll keep ya posted.
It's funny to me when these urges come over me, especially now when I've gotten committed to cutting out my unhealthy coping mechanisms. Sometimes, though, when things are hard, I have to fight with the first reactions.
ReplyDeleteEx-actly. I behaved, the dinner was awful, but ti was definately doing somethign DIFFERENT. And sometimed that's the most important thing about re-learning how to do life.
ReplyDeleteA humorous aside--I forget that Normies don't instinctually give hugs, like we do in the 12 step rooms, and I think he was taken aback. LOL Oh, well.
I am also in the process of relearning how to date and be in a relationship and am now convinced it is something I never really learned. Its fun, its scary, more scary than fun most times. But I am trying to be open to it.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs.