Thursday, January 8

Nuckin' Futs

Hi, I'm an addict, and my problem is abbie.
I'm just about completely out of my freakin' mind. Well, yesterday, I was, anyway.
Contributing factors:
1. Over the holidays, I went almost a week in the company of someone who was unaware of the absolute CHAOS(as was I, to an extent)going on in me, while he had his 2 drinks most evenings. (No, he was not drunk, did not even show any effect of the drinks, for whatever that's worth.)
2. Same time period: I attended no meetings.
3. Aunt Flo was about 2 weeks late. Not a crisis, really. but hormonally I suspect she has been adding to the subliminal turbulence going on...so when she did show up, I can only guess that she might have had something to do with the complete and utter emotional meltdown I experienced...
4. Constant feelings of inferiority and inadequacy at work, increased somewhat by the failure of both classes I took last semester.
5. I'm still waiting to get my antidepressant and ADD meds adjusted. Thank GOD I'm not trying to live w/o them, but they were not helping a lot a couple of weeks ago.
And, 6. The impending registration and corresponding internalization of the knowledge that I will soon be undergoing, again, the loathed and dreaded course of my nightmares: Math 050.
Scoffers, scoff on. You may even guffaw, if you must. The extent of my emotional agony yesterday on the drive to school to get registered for this class was both incredible, and dumbfounding. See, the previous day, as I sat in the Adviser's office discussing the fact that I HAVE to take this class and pass it, before I can take one of the other last TWO classes required for this degree, I found it difficult not to fall apart even then. Thank God my Adviser has years of Counseling experience and some understanding of my situation. I guess.
I am sharing this with you, beloved readers, for a number of reasons; the most prominent being that I covet your insight and any suggestions of where I might find some resources of how to get OVER this. I'd come to accept last year, when I took this class, (and failed it) fighting tears and upset stomach every time I went to class OR opened the book, that when Dad had "helped" me learn Math as a child, there had been harsh words and some trauma involved. Dad was a rage-aholic, if there is such a thing, and I was terrified of him for most of my life.
Yesterday I realized that there MUST have been more to it than just the usual yelling, anger and spankings involved. I don't remember any specifics, which is just as well. But the fear and anguish I feel inside, even just contemplating the most REMOTE numerical groupings, tells me that it must have been more than just the usual humiliating and merciless beating.

I've known that there were things pre-teen in my life that were bad. I've accepted that it's not JUST a result of things I did to myself that haunt me, even 20-some years later. And I have even come close, in the past few years, to actually working on these demons. But will I have to actually re-hash these things in order to get past them? I can't imagine the benefit of remembering things that are so much horror and absolute cruelty...when the NOT remembering isn't a walk in the park.

Is this what happens when you get more time clean than you had using? Is it just another reminder of why I MUST be OCD about maintaining my medication supply and correct dosages???? Am I doomed to this kind of painful insanity unless I am religiously dedicated to keeping up the relationship that I don't even WANT to have with the Pharmacists and Medical professionals in the FIRST place?

I'm looking into this thing called "EFT", an alternative therapy touted as helping to get rid of emotional distress...

Comments, please? Please pleasepleaseplease?!

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