Saturday, September 12

listening vs. hearing

I was talking with a dear friend recently, and I learned things that I was not surprised about, but that were not the most encouraging things to hear. The honest exchange of thoughts and ideas was refreshing, to say the least, and my feelings for this friend certainly were not lessened at all.
Later, when I clarified my own thoughts about the particular topic, I either used a term that has another definition than what I'm aware of (A specific, and NEGATIVE one), OR I heard the conversation wrong, completely. The term that I seem to have hurt my friend with was "Friends with benefits". I'm not sure if I translated something that he said incorrectly, or if there is a specific meaning to that phrase that I'm not aware of. Either way, the last thing I heard from this friend was that he will no longer be calling or communicating with me otherwise.
I can't figure out if it's all me being wrong--which, you know, on any given day, it very well could be--or if there was some wrongdoing on both parts, and I'm just more willing to take the heat for it. Either way, I'm not certain what happened. I sent him numerous texts apologizing for whatever was my part, asking if I misunderstood something...? I don't know what to think, let alone what to do.
It's a rare thing to find a friend who can touch your soul. I'm no stranger to self-sabotage. I have been so anxious for the last month that I've lost 15 pounds. This is partly due to the Math Anxiety (aka fear of failure), to be sure, but there is no doubt that it is also a bit of "fear of success".
Now after feeling like I'd found a missing piece of my heart, I sit here now feeling like it's been ripped back out where the parts had just begun to mesh.
So, I'm going to go to bed soon, and hope that the Lord will get him to talk to me...and give me the words to fix whatever my tactless fool mouth has...perhaps... destroyed...
And, for now, I'm going to give him time to miss me, forcing myself not to let him know that I have a new ache...