Monday, March 15

Surrender in the form of a fast...

OK, gang. (Yes, I realize there are hardly enough of us reading this to be considered a "gang", but humor me. ;) ) I think the biggest part of the "corporate Daniel fast" I have joined into with the others of my family of believers--day 2 is almost over, and it's already hitting me pretty heavily--is that I am fasting on entertaining any thoughts about my singleness. I am for all practical purposes single. There has been a special man in my life for a little while, now, granted, but the tempo has required slowing down, and now I feel that I need to really just let go completely of any motion I might be perpetuating. Forward, backward, sideways: I am letting go of the wheel completely. I'm not saying that I am giving up on things. Not at all. What I AM saying is that I am going to stop making this man and our potential future together the FOCUS of so much of my thoughts. Really. How about if I give the throne of my mind BACK to my JESUS??? I feel like I have somehow, once again, morphed the KING of my heart from JESUS CHRIST into a human being. Again. And I KNOW BETTER. I desire to have a mate again, for the REST OF MY LIFE. I cannot deny that. I believe that it was placed there, and that the Lord does have that for me in the future. But I knew when the leadership in the church began talking about this fast coming up, and I heard the words they were using to describe the process and the things involved, that I was to be laying down more than just certain "delicacies" like Little Debbies and (YUMMMMMM) breads and rolls and ice cream.....Ahem. Uh, YEAH.
As much as I love those things, oh, and a fat juicy steak, to be sure...something that I KNOW has been hindering my spiritual walk has been my involvement with a man.
I decided that any contact will not be because of MY initiating it, and so far I've slipped only a little. Each time has singed my conscience, so I do believe I'm onto something big, here.
I've gone for years before without a romantic interest, but as an ADDICT, I guess it's just common sense that once I got back into "looking", a couple of years ago, it would eventually come to a place where it was taking up more of my time and concentration than I can reasonably give to anything or anyone other than my LORD. I know (in the back of my mind) that I need to wait on the Lord to work things out. I KNOW (also, in the recesses of my mind)that my Father is looking out for me and HE WANTS to meet me in my hearts' places of need...My Father delights in me. He even said that I was the apple of His eye. I need to remember that and get back to what is TRUE.
SO, today I'm wrapping up day #2 of this fast. On some levels, I've done well. Not sure if I have to count (like anyone else knows about this, coz they DON'T) a text I sent to an ex, but I think so since I feel guilty about it. He IS, after all, a male. :{
So, anyway, the growth and the peeling of the onion and all that other happy crap that goes on when we develop character has begun. It's gonna be a LONNNNNG freakin' 19 more days, I suspect.