When I returned home today, they were to be at 1) their Dad's and 2) the B & G's club. Guess where the older boy was? Yeah. NOT at his Dad's. "I forgot." Yeah. So you couldn't call him? "He'd figure it out, he always does." (Visions of beating the tar out of him are becoming more difficult to squash.)Meanwhile, the ice cream which I had splurged on was of course completely gone, and so were some other things that had been set aside for a specific purpose....and he's being belligerant As usual. Again. Loudly. And arrogant...I said "If you are unable to handle being left alone while I am attempting to maintain keeping this job, I will find a babysitter for you." You know what his reply was. "Good!" I said I'm glad you're happy about it. I'll begin looking. (Yeah, right.) Then I think 'maybe that's what he needs, an adult to hang out with, but there again, I don't KNOW of any....God help me.
The little one was haveing a great time at the B & G's Club, getting DOWN on "Dance dance Revolution" when I arrived. He is really good at that. I'm looking at it and thinking it just might be the perfect thing to get my sad old butt to EXERCISE!!!
I dunno. I love to dance and it has so many levels, there might be one easy enough for a middle-aged wienie to start on...Well. It's a thought. I think I heard that it's almost impossible to find one of those anymore, but it is a thought. dancing/exercising would be a perfect thing for Little Bit & I to do together. HE at least still likes me, and usually tries to do what he's supposed to. I just wish I had a magic elixer to fix the rift between the bigger one & myself.
Lord, please help me.
The X (DQ) brings out a VCR when I drop off the boys for their Wednesday evening visit. He has lived under the delusion that "things" are what we/they/I need/want/require from him, for so long I don't even try anymore. I said "What's that?" He said a VCR. I said do you have the broken one? And he said "No." I guess
I was supposed to reach into my bag and hand him a cookie, at this point. Guess what. Nope, not even if I'd had one. Too little too late, and in fact just plain too WRONG.
I just want the child support and you to leave me alone, Pal. I get so weary of trying to untangle myself from the web of illusion that he weaves around "he" and "I".
As the Yahoos from the building next door yell at each other, in unintelligible mush-mouth redneck lingo, I wonder how much longer we'll live here. I half-expected to hear a beer bottle crashing in the direction of the truck screeching out of the parking lot, but I guess it's still a little early for them to be that aggressive with each other. Once in a while, a nice, clean-looking woman or couple will move in. But it's as if the poverty, the drugs and alcoholism, and the welfare mentality that has engulfed the entire apartment complex gets ahold of them, too. They get sucked under before too long, and pretty soon they are out in the parking lot screaming at each other with the rest. Most of the adults don't have a lot of teeth, and I guess they aren't really necessary since the local diet is mostly beer and cigarettes. The little girls don't stay little for long, thanks, in part to the latest Lolitas being sold to the masses on the magazines at the BP. The boys are so desperate for a sense of belonging and adult male approval that they are willing to settle for the drunken idiots that prey on the lonely single/welfare moms, talking smack and acting proud. The boys don't realize that it's mostly a show, to cover up their own feelings of failure. In reality, most of these "men" probably haven't had anyone teach them what a real man looks or sounds like, so they are making it up as they go, as well. The closest thing to a real male example around here is the Police and the School Principal--neither of them are exactly accessable, and both are figures that the children are taught to distrust and defy.
Hm. I wasn't feeling particularly down when I started this post. It seems to have taken a turn in that direction. Sorry about that, gang. I guess, if you read long enough, the depths will eventually seep out, and you'll get a glimpse or two of where we really are at this time. I hold tightly onto the saying "This too shall pass." I can SEE the light at the end of the tunnel, y'all!!! It's true. I think I'll go look up some inspirational quotes. They always make me feel better. (You know: a burden shared is a burden lessened.) I'm sure Dr. King has something good to say, think I'll go find something of his.
Be blessed, you all.
FEELINGS aren't FACTS!