Forgiving Ourselves

I'm borrowing this from a friend who said it probably much better than I could have...

So forgiving ourselves....probably the most difficult part of becoming emotionally healthy. H was telling me about a group where the girls shared their secrets and concluded their speaking time with "And I forgive myself." The room had dim lights and ocean music playing as they read their list of secrets. Some of the women read their most hidden secrets and concluded with, "And I *can't* forgive myself." God....that breaks my heart. Every time I think of those girls, all of whom I have now met....although I don't know anyone's secrets or who is finding it impossible to forgive themselves...it gets me.

H and I talked about g-ma and her death bed letting go events. Letting go of the guilt and shame that she had carried for all of her adult life. H said she has thought about her g-ma a lot while in treatment. I know that g-ma would want our girl to be free and not carry to her death bed the burdens and the shame that she herself carried to her's.

I think forgiving ones self must be so very humbling. I would imagine that you come to a place of being desperate enough to accept forgiveness. I think so much of the time we are trained to not take anything that we haven't worked for that we almost can't trust the grace and forgiveness that is offered to us by God. What if we accept it and He takes it back? Or He changes His mind and decides we really aren't worthy after all. Its risky business to lay it all out there. I do believe that as we experience God's forgiveness and acceptance, it brings us to a place of being able to forgive ourselves.

 I know that my experiences with God's forgiveness and unmerited compassion changed my life. My initial time of spiritual awakening was over 7 years ago and He hasn't defaulted on any of what He so graciously and mercifully gave to me....so maybe we are good. Those gifts have made me gentler with myself and with my fellow human beings. I still have some ways to go. I will until I am on *my* death bed because I will continue to make mistakes along the way because I am a mere human. Well meaning, but imperfect in a myriad of ways. My struggle is walking in acceptance of what is being offered to me. 

“I feel like, God expects me to be human. I feel like, God likes me just the way I am: broken and empty and bruised. I feel like, God doesn't look at me and wish that I were something else, because He likes me just this way. I feel like, God doesn't want me to close my eyes and pray for Him to make me holy or for Him to make me pure; because He made me human. I feel like, God already knows I'm human...it is I who needs to learn that.”
― C. Joy Bell C.

Walk gently with one another....
Annette

The Spirit of...?

Hello, fellow readers and/or bloggers. Today is the 17th, and Christmas is just SCREEEEEAMING around the corner to land squarely in our laps. I always forget how fast and stealthy it can be!
This morning I got up early-I know "on a Saturday!?" right?! And felt like feeding my spirit. It's been slim pickin's lately in my little world, and I know that's due mostly to me and my own lack of action.
So, after doing a little housework, I dug out the old Brownsville Revival videos. It's been a while since I've gotten them out, so I figured whatever it was, it would be good for me. (Don't ask why there has never been any labelling of the videotapes. I just know they're SOMETHING from B-ville.) Turns out it was. Steve Hill was preaching out of Acts 17. The name of the sermon was "Babble On". I smile to myself now as I think of the unforgettable delivery style Steve has. It was good, like a cool drink of water after a dusty day. I still want ot order some videos off of the Brownsville site, or perhaps Michael Brown from one ot the sites he's involved with. I guess what I'm saying is, am I the only one who's feeling rather depleted in the spitirual food department?
I know I'm not. Problem is, I'm not sure I'm uncomfortable enough yet to get off my butt and seek God like He deserves. Dad used to say that when the discomfort from doing nothing got worse than the fear of change, (something like that) that's when a person would get moving.
I was tickled that the church listened when I suggested our having a New Years' thing, like "Praying in the New Year", you know? An alternative to whatever else is out there for hte night...My thought was a few hours of PRAYING and SEEKING God, with some worship and encouragement in Christ thrown in...
Yeah. I guess I should have spoken up more loudly.
It's turned into a "seeker-centered"/ outreach thing. Games, a band (playing secular music), food, more games, and some movies. That sounds like fun, doesn't it? I think it will probably be fun for whomever joins us. I don't even want to go, now, because I'm so disappointed...
It's all about change-or rather, willingness to have GOD change me/us/things.
Anyway, I found this last quotation on facebook. A friend of mine occasionally puts up some excellent things to ponder, and I wanted to share this one. (So I'll always know where it is, to quote my Dad) ; )
I hate to get all somber and serious, for the most part, but we ARE in rather serious times.

"In the world it is called Tolerance, but in hell it is called Despair, the sin that believes in nothing, cares for nothing, seeks to know nothing, interferes with nothing, enjoys nothing, hates nothing, finds purpose in nothing, lives for nothing, and remains alive because there is nothing for which it will die." ~ Dorothy L. Sayers died on December 17, 1957


We must seek Him while there is still time.

One small step for Normies...

. Today I got to attend the first day of Orientation for my new JOB!!!! Whew! On the way in, I called a friend and asked him to pray for me, and I'm really glad he did. SO much information! There were 4 of us, and I'm the only one I think that didn't already have at least a Bachelor's degree. Maybe my "life experience" did count for something, come to think of it? the rest of the women were anywhere from 10-20 years younger than I, so I guess maybe experience did come into account. Anyway, I really liked the man doing the orientation, very nice and seemed friendly enough, as were the rest of the staff that we got ot meet today. Tomorrow we are back from 10-2pm for some more, and then I'll begin my 5 days of "shadowing" basically. I think the biggest thing that I'm concerned about, though, is how the boys are going to handle my being gone so much.
When I returned home today, they were to be at 1) their Dad's and 2) the B & G's club. Guess where the older boy was? Yeah. NOT at his Dad's. "I forgot." Yeah. So you couldn't call him? "He'd figure it out, he always does." (Visions of beating the tar out of him are becoming more difficult to squash.)Meanwhile, the ice cream which I had splurged on was of course completely gone, and so were some other things that had been set aside for a specific purpose....and he's being belligerant As usual. Again. Loudly. And arrogant...I said "If you are unable to handle being left alone while I am attempting to maintain keeping this job, I will find a babysitter for you." You know what his reply was. "Good!" I said I'm glad you're happy about it. I'll begin looking. (Yeah, right.) Then I think 'maybe that's what he needs, an adult to hang out with, but there again, I don't KNOW of any....God help me.
AAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
The little one was haveing a great time at the B & G's Club, getting DOWN on "Dance dance Revolution" when I arrived. He is really good at that. I'm looking at it and thinking it just might be the perfect thing to get my sad old butt to EXERCISE!!!
I dunno. I love to dance and it has so many levels, there might be one easy enough for a middle-aged wienie to start on...Well. It's a thought. I think I heard that it's almost impossible to find one of those anymore, but it is a thought. dancing/exercising would be a perfect thing for Little Bit & I to do together. HE at least still likes me, and usually tries to do what he's supposed to. I just wish I had a magic elixer to fix the rift between the bigger one & myself.
Lord, please help me.
The X (DQ) brings out a VCR when I drop off the boys for their Wednesday evening visit. He has lived under the delusion that "things" are what we/they/I need/want/require from him, for so long I don't even try anymore. I said "What's that?" He said a VCR. I said do you have the broken one? And he said "No." I guess
I was supposed to reach into my bag and hand him a cookie, at this point. Guess what. Nope, not even if I'd had one. Too little too late, and in fact just plain too WRONG.
I just want the child support and you to leave me alone, Pal. I get so weary of trying to untangle myself from the web of illusion that he weaves around "he" and "I".
As the Yahoos from the building next door yell at each other, in unintelligible mush-mouth redneck lingo, I wonder how much longer we'll live here. I half-expected to hear a beer bottle crashing in the direction of the truck screeching out of the parking lot, but I guess it's still a little early for them to be that aggressive with each other. Once in a while, a nice, clean-looking woman or couple will move in. But it's as if the poverty, the drugs and alcoholism, and the welfare mentality that has engulfed the entire apartment complex gets ahold of them, too. They get sucked under before too long, and pretty soon they are out in the parking lot screaming at each other with the rest. Most of the adults don't have a lot of teeth, and I guess they aren't really necessary since the local diet is mostly beer and cigarettes. The little girls don't stay little for long, thanks, in part to the latest Lolitas being sold to the masses on the magazines at the BP. The boys are so desperate for a sense of belonging and adult male approval that they are willing to settle for the drunken idiots that prey on the lonely single/welfare moms, talking smack and acting proud. The boys don't realize that it's mostly a show, to cover up their own feelings of failure. In reality, most of these "men" probably haven't had anyone teach them what a real man looks or sounds like, so they are making it up as they go, as well. The closest thing to a real male example around here is the Police and the School Principal--neither of them are exactly accessable, and both are figures that the children are taught to distrust and defy.
Hm. I wasn't feeling particularly down when I started this post. It seems to have taken a turn in that direction. Sorry about that, gang. I guess, if you read long enough, the depths will eventually seep out, and you'll get a glimpse or two of where we really are at this time. I hold tightly onto the saying "This too shall pass." I can SEE the light at the end of the tunnel, y'all!!! It's true. I think I'll go look up some inspirational quotes. They always make me feel better. (You know: a burden shared is a burden lessened.) I'm sure Dr. King has something good to say, think I'll go find something of his.
Be blessed, you all.
And remember,
FEELINGS aren't FACTS!

Wow. Bigger than me, finally.

Of course I will deny it until my dying day, but just between you and I, today, I will admit that my oldest child, B, is indeed, bigger than me in some ways. His feet, for example. He was delighting in slipping on my way-cool tennies to run out to the car for a sec, a few months ago, but that day has definitely gone. He even wore them to school once, last year! That brat! We both thought it was funny, but I'm just glad that it's past, now. It would save money, I guess, if he'd stayed my size, but I'd hate it for him to only ever be 5'9"-ish.
AND I called my old BFF today, finally, after thinking about it for waaay too long. OH CRAP! I was s'posed to call her back tonight. SORRY GAILBETH!!! Sheesh. If memory cells were required for life I'd have died a long time ago, I guess.
I cinched that friendship, when I gave birth to my eldest on HER birthday...hee hee. How's THAT for a friend? I've never had anyone produce a child for my birthday...I guess I'm just not (sniff) that important. (sniff) ;o)
Well, I'm sorry to say that the presents around here were veerrry slim, indeed. The funds have dried up, and of course there was no more than a late-afternoon phone call from the dXh for B.

"(monotone) ...just called to tell B happy birthday...uh...(click)"

The under-whelmed look on his face said it all, really. How sad is it to not even be able to sound happy when you call regarding the day your kid was born? Thank you GOD that I'm not married to him anymore. I just can't stand the way he made B feel for so long. I hate that I was so slow in finishing that deal. I just hope and pray that the boy won't be too scarred for life from my inability to do what had to be done.
I wish there was some consolation in knowing that it's normal to have regrets as a parent, but as I'm sure you know, there isn't any. I will always have regrets. I see the ways my choices have worn down my boys, and it makes me just want to kick my own ass. Knowing the "why"s doesn't erase the pain in their eyes. It doesn't make it any better. Won't make their lives any less screwed up, as a result. Sure, I might do better in some ways, because of simply knowing more about mental health and addictions than my parents did. But for cryin' out loud.
One of the Promises in the Big Book is that we will not regret the past nor wish to close the door on it. Hm. Well, that's another thing in there that I'm not sure I can really agree with, fully. That probably makes 2 things. Not bad, overall. Sure, some tough times have made me a better person, but I guess I'd still rather get rid of the self-inflicted ones.
Last night in our small group (church thing), we were talking about how trials can make us better people, and one guy was saying how he wishes he could understand the reasons for the trials in relationships, or the lessons he was to learn. I thought "my relationship troubles have almost always been of my OWN making." I wonder if normies ever think of things like that? Well, maybe it's not "normies", but I guess it's just odd to me at this point when people don't get that sort of thing. Knowing that it's only from the program and the steps that *I* get them...

Well, it's too late as usual.
May you have a blessed day tomorrow, and until I post again...
:o)