Taking a moment to say thanks...

It occurred to me, that I've not gotten much interaction from my "followers", and I know that if I want to see something happen, oftentimes *I* need to step up. 
So, I appreciate you!! I know that many of you have similar struggles to mine, and others have loved ones who have been or are in my shoes. I just hope that you get some useful info or encouragement from this blog. 
I've been slacking in posting personal stuff lately, b/c I'm running on about half of my usual meds, and it makes for an emotional situation... My Sweety says I'm quicker to point out the negative in any given circumstance, which I equate with sounding more like my Mom...(ugh) and that's something I DO NOT want to do.
I'd imagine that the majority of people in my position have played the "I don't really need to be taking X, Y or Z! I can handle this" game, and stopped taking the medications prescribed to them. I personally have done that several times over the years, and although it's not always been purposely (Insurance & pharmacology being what it is), it has always ended with me seeing the difference in how my kids respond to me, and realizing that I can do better for them. This last time I was med-free, I told the Big Guy that if it were just ME, I might just go w/o them, to see what happened. However, it's NOT just me, so part of my caring for my family entails finding the humility to follow directions, even MORE. 
As we are still on the edge of the insurance abyss (Do we have it? Do we not?), I'm feeling my way w/o what the Dr.s say is necessary for my peak performance. I guess I'm willing to do what they say, when I can, For the simple fact that I know it makes life easier for my kids and my sweetheart. 
Someday, who knows?
Anyway, I am so very grateful for you coming over and doing life with me. Please leave a comment so I know who you are. :)  

Forgiving Ourselves

I'm borrowing this from a friend who said it probably much better than I could have...

So forgiving ourselves....probably the most difficult part of becoming emotionally healthy. H was telling me about a group where the girls shared their secrets and concluded their speaking time with "And I forgive myself." The room had dim lights and ocean music playing as they read their list of secrets. Some of the women read their most hidden secrets and concluded with, "And I *can't* forgive myself." God....that breaks my heart. Every time I think of those girls, all of whom I have now met....although I don't know anyone's secrets or who is finding it impossible to forgive themselves...it gets me.

H and I talked about g-ma and her death bed letting go events. Letting go of the guilt and shame that she had carried for all of her adult life. H said she has thought about her g-ma a lot while in treatment. I know that g-ma would want our girl to be free and not carry to her death bed the burdens and the shame that she herself carried to her's.

I think forgiving ones self must be so very humbling. I would imagine that you come to a place of being desperate enough to accept forgiveness. I think so much of the time we are trained to not take anything that we haven't worked for that we almost can't trust the grace and forgiveness that is offered to us by God. What if we accept it and He takes it back? Or He changes His mind and decides we really aren't worthy after all. Its risky business to lay it all out there. I do believe that as we experience God's forgiveness and acceptance, it brings us to a place of being able to forgive ourselves.

 I know that my experiences with God's forgiveness and unmerited compassion changed my life. My initial time of spiritual awakening was over 7 years ago and He hasn't defaulted on any of what He so graciously and mercifully gave to me....so maybe we are good. Those gifts have made me gentler with myself and with my fellow human beings. I still have some ways to go. I will until I am on *my* death bed because I will continue to make mistakes along the way because I am a mere human. Well meaning, but imperfect in a myriad of ways. My struggle is walking in acceptance of what is being offered to me. 

“I feel like, God expects me to be human. I feel like, God likes me just the way I am: broken and empty and bruised. I feel like, God doesn't look at me and wish that I were something else, because He likes me just this way. I feel like, God doesn't want me to close my eyes and pray for Him to make me holy or for Him to make me pure; because He made me human. I feel like, God already knows I'm human...it is I who needs to learn that.”
― C. Joy Bell C.

Walk gently with one another....
Annette

AND....After what seems to be a zillion years, I'm back...

Greetings, friends and fam... After way too long, I'm beginning to think that perhaps I ought to take up my blog again. At the moment, we don't have (and aren't planning to get) the internet @ home, so anything of any length will be waiting until the occasions that I can sneak away to the library.... Here's the highlights: Moved to Podunk, IN. ;) Eldest son living w/ Grandma (again) after a short stint being abused again @ the x's. ("I know why you divorced him, now, Mom." sigh. Some lessons have to be experienced, I guess.) He did graduate last spring, and it was a very mixed-emotional day for me. Younger boy is in the High Ability class, and we're working on all A's...He likes this teacher MUCH more than last year's, but this time he's not moving into a new place & completely hating it...he's made a couple of good friends, too. We're down to being a 1-cat family. The day we took Lacey to find a new family was perhaps the 2nd hardest thing I've ever had to do--as far as making the decision to do something, anyway. I had a choice to make and I believe it was the right one. But really, she had such a huge piece of my heart, I know it'll never be the same. Oli is getting to be a fairly normal cat, but occasionally the anxiety rears its' ugly head again. Then he hides in our closet... My life is, overall, better than I'd ever dreamed it could be. The Big Guy is PERFECT for me, right down to being ornery AND serving the Lord with his whole heart...and just b/c I like looking at him, I'll end this with the profile pic that first caught my eye...(www.christiandatingforfree.com) Love and hugs to you all...Sorry for letting this thing go for so long. \0/ ~ Abbie

Sunday Morning...

Again. Good morning, all.
My children are giving me money. Well, in particular, the nearly-15-year-old is. Because he said "CRAP", once again. We had a jar for a while, and have implemented the same a number of times, where each time anyone said a word from the Potty Word list, they had to contribute a quarter. It actually went pretty well, and raised a bit of change, b/c the dXh was living with us at the time. Mr. "Not Interested in any type of Self-Control Whatsoever" tends to be good for funding that sort of thing. Eventually, he & I would just go and give the change jar a few dollars in preparation for a "conversation".
I try to keep the language at a "G" rating here, knowing full well that it's an uphill battle. The little one follows the path of the older, regardless of where it may lead. So, as in many areas, it seems that I am "punching at the wind". (A paraphrase from the Bible, I believe. It sounds like something that Paul would say, doesn't it?)
However, continue, I must.
I am continually being surprised by the ever-increasing difficulty of this single-parenting gig. I want to be a Mom that I can respect, but so often that's the furthest from how I see me. Sure, I'm hard on myself; it's nearly impossible to get a reality check in this area. Mom has HER ideas, my s-i-l has HER theories, and lately I feel drained to the extent of just trying to get through the day intact, with no one bleeding.
Speaking of which, I am. Heavily. More than usual, actually. (Apologies to any menfolk who might have wandered in.) But it does affect my ability to cope. I never had a heavy ".", until the last few years, as things seem to be winding down toward the Blessed time of No Flow....
I slapped my older son upside the head last night on the way home, when he decided that he needed to have the last word, again, in some unimportant debate. Again. I have been careful not to release my impulses in that direction, up until then, knowing that I do NOT want to succumb to THAT level of interaction with my child. It's so completely like the rest of the White Trash community that I find myself living in, currently.
Wow.
Hadn't said that before. But I suppose it's true. When all your neighbors are either alcoholics, addicted to something, in-breeders, or a combination of the three--oh, and let's not forget the Crack Manufacturers, as well--it is difficult to control the instinctual urge to fight back. At anything, it seems.
So, I guess I'll continue to look into options, to find some way to give the boys some positive male interaction. My family is out of the question. N has his own family and responsibilities to tend to, and I guess I know better than to ask for something like that. I think he has fallen into the same "busy-ness" trap that most everyone I know lives in, and I do not want a part in adding to his already full schedule. I've asked men from church, same answer. Asked men from everywhere I can think of, with the same results. I have NOT yet sought out assistance from an organization like Big Brothers, b/c I am afraid of the possible results, ie a bad man could get in under the radar and do more damage than good.
Sorry for rambling. I guess if you know me, you know that it's not uncommon. :o)
I leave you with this thought, which I believe is credited to Abe Lincoln:

"If you think you can, or if you think you can't,
You're right."

P. S.
Note to self:
For cryin' out loud, ab, ease up on the kid! If a 15 year old can't say "CRAP" occasionally, then what do you expect him to say??!!
Yeah, you're right. thanks, ab.
de nada.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Happy Day!!
I get to spend the day at home with my energetic, loud children. Oh, joy.
OK, seriously, I am grateful that I DO get to be home with them. I don't know how much longer I will have the opportunity. Things can change to friggin' quickly...and I know it.
So why am I not deep-down, all-over REALLY happy when I get to be with them for prolonged periods of time??? I would absolutely give my life for them. I do enjoy their company, for the most part. I think it must be that together, they feed off of each others' hyperactive tendencies, and then as that happens, the volume goes up higher and higher. I am just worn out.
I want to see about getting off of the ADD medicine I've been on. It seems that my memory and attentiveness are getting much worse as time goes on, and not at all in the direction they were in the earlier stages of taking the meds. I've done the differing doses, tried a couple of different medications, and the results are getting to be more and more quickly, that they are just not giving me much (if any) relief. I know there was a very long time that anti-depressants were more than sufficient, now I think I want to see if that could be the case again. The less I have to depend on a pharmacy to be able to interact with the rest of the population, the better. And certainly it can only help the way I relate to the boys. I have to be able to access the "best" me, in order to give them the best Mom I can.