Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Friday, April 19
Saturday, February 2
The Legacy of Amy Winehouse
I don't know about you, but I could stand some encouraging stuff to read right about now. I guess this is one way that the parents of addicts can help those left behind.
The Legacy of Amy Winehouse | The Fix
P.S. I've got to mention this, Mr. Winehouse: an addiction to ALCOHOL does not a CLEAN person make. A drug is a drug is a drug. HELLOOOOOO.
Tuesday, January 29
Oh, yes I DID!!
I finally (2 months after the fact) went to a meeting last Sunday night and collected my Anniversary Token. "XX" it says. My Sponsor said she didn't know what I was doing, but it seems to be working! :-/ I love her as much as I can love any woman, I guess. She seems to be open, emotionally and generous with herself and her time. I can only imagine how that is, right now. (See the other blog for more info on that) Here. I still want what she has, even 20 years later. Now as I've grown to know more about myself, I'm not sure I can actually achieve what Sweet Sandy has, but with a little help from here and there, I'm going to see what I can do. :)
Oh, and the meeting was great. The topic was something about the difference between how happy, joyous and free folks with a program can be, vs. how miserable so many religious people are. I've been to churches a'plenty, and left feeling more alone and hopeless than before I went; and there have been very few times when I left a 12 step meeting feeling worse. Go figure, huh? God led me to AA and AA led me back to God.
Oh, and the meeting was great. The topic was something about the difference between how happy, joyous and free folks with a program can be, vs. how miserable so many religious people are. I've been to churches a'plenty, and left feeling more alone and hopeless than before I went; and there have been very few times when I left a 12 step meeting feeling worse. Go figure, huh? God led me to AA and AA led me back to God.
Talkin' about
addict,
alcoholic,
alcoholism,
crossaddicted,
hope,
ODAT,
Sponsor
Thursday, November 29
Happy Thursday!
Greetings, fellow Wanderers, Seekers, and occasional Dancers! I've gotta tell you, this week has been fraught with good stuff.
One good thing was that I heard God telling me something as I was telling my sweet hubby something entirely different. It was painful to accept, but the gist was that I need to let go of some "dreams" I've been holding onto for SO long. The lesson was, I'm hoping and trusting, that as I let go of the dream, God will fill the empty hand with something FAR better-something of HIS choosing (-which always turns out better, anyway) I won't be surprised if there are other dreams of my own creation that I need to release, but the one that I was confronted with the other day was a good step, I think.
Another good GOOD thing, is that I seem to have somehow gotten past (translation: DELIVERED FROM) the serious resentments I've held onto towards my ex-husband for SO so long. Somehow, that in itself could have a part to play in some other great developments in our little home. I'll just say that there is a new element to the relationship between the Big Guy and the Little One, which has been delightful for all involved. :) And it's not even Christmas, yet!!
Meanwhile, in the rest of the world, the onslaught of fleas has not yet been conquered. I've tried everything I think short of bombing the apartment and getting the cats to a vet to be flea-dipped. That's likely to take a large chunk out of the (SMALL) Christmas funds, but it's all I want for a present at this point. Poor little critters are all ate up and they are just miserable. God, HELP!!
Take it easy, kids. Let's meet at a meeting soon, k? : )
One good thing was that I heard God telling me something as I was telling my sweet hubby something entirely different. It was painful to accept, but the gist was that I need to let go of some "dreams" I've been holding onto for SO long. The lesson was, I'm hoping and trusting, that as I let go of the dream, God will fill the empty hand with something FAR better-something of HIS choosing (-which always turns out better, anyway) I won't be surprised if there are other dreams of my own creation that I need to release, but the one that I was confronted with the other day was a good step, I think.
Another good GOOD thing, is that I seem to have somehow gotten past (translation: DELIVERED FROM) the serious resentments I've held onto towards my ex-husband for SO so long. Somehow, that in itself could have a part to play in some other great developments in our little home. I'll just say that there is a new element to the relationship between the Big Guy and the Little One, which has been delightful for all involved. :) And it's not even Christmas, yet!!
Meanwhile, in the rest of the world, the onslaught of fleas has not yet been conquered. I've tried everything I think short of bombing the apartment and getting the cats to a vet to be flea-dipped. That's likely to take a large chunk out of the (SMALL) Christmas funds, but it's all I want for a present at this point. Poor little critters are all ate up and they are just miserable. God, HELP!!
Take it easy, kids. Let's meet at a meeting soon, k? : )
Monday, November 26
It works IF YOU WORK it.
Why the Hostility Toward the 12 Steps?
These misconceptions about 12-Step programs could interfere with recovery
Few approaches to addiction generate as much controversy as 12-Step recovery. On one side are the ardent supporters of the program, some of whom credit it with saving their lives. On the other side are the critics and those who found that the program didn’t resonate with them or even hindered their recovery. Both have valid points, and both, in the end, are seeking answers to a problem that defies easy solutions.
It is understandable that 12-Step recovery would generate such strong opposing views. The program touches on fundamental questions everyone has to answer for themselves. Still, it works for many where other approaches fail – and that, to me, is enough to warrant further investigation.
Although it is by no means a perfect program, many of the objections to 12-Step recovery are based on widespread misconceptions. Let’s clear up a few of the most common misunderstandings:
#1 You have to be religious or believe in God to make the program work.
It is understandable that 12-Step recovery would generate such strong opposing views. The program touches on fundamental questions everyone has to answer for themselves. Still, it works for many where other approaches fail – and that, to me, is enough to warrant further investigation.
Although it is by no means a perfect program, many of the objections to 12-Step recovery are based on widespread misconceptions. Let’s clear up a few of the most common misunderstandings:
#1 You have to be religious or believe in God to make the program work.
The 12 Steps contain numerous references to God or a higher power, and some meetings conclude with a prayer. Although the Steps were initially conceived from a Christian point of view, the core principles have been beneficial for millions of people who do not believe in God. Like other texts and programs, the 12 Steps are a series of words and concepts that are open to interpretation.
Some people have difficulty maintaining abstinence by willpower alone and need to look outside themselves to a “higher power” to change their behavior. A higher power can be a religious deity or entity, but it can also be the power of a group working toward a common goal, nature or some other outside force. If you feel uncomfortable with the spirituality of a particular group, keep searching until you find a closer match.
#2 Powerlessness frees the addict from accepting responsibility.
While the initial choice to use drugs or alcohol is within the individual’s control, once physical or psychological dependence sets in, they have lost control. Despite repeated attempts to quit, they continue using even in the face of job loss, financial and legal troubles, and other negative consequences. Powerlessness occurs because prolonged drug abuse changes the structure and function of the brain, and it takes time in sobriety to repair the damage.
Powerlessness does not mean that the addict is inherently flawed, exempt from thinking for themselves or incapable of recovery, or that they can rely on their higher power to fix everything without taking steps to improve their own lives. That would contradict the entire premise of the 12-Step program. Instead, it is a statement about the nature of the disease, designed to remove the blame and shame that often prevent addicts from getting help, and to show addicts one way of reclaiming power over their lives.
#3 Addicts substitute their addiction with a dependence on 12-Step meetings.
As a chronic, relapsing disease, long-term care is vital for sustained addiction recovery. If meetings provide some recovering addicts with the support and fellowship they need, they are encouraged to keep going as long as they wish. In the early stages, people may benefit from frequent attendance, which often diminishes over time as they develop other support systems and become more firmly grounded in their recovery.
Addicted or not, everyone needs support. If recovering addicts find that support in 12-Step meetings, they should continue to go. This type of ongoing participation in a program that improves members’ lives is very different from a destructive drug or alcohol dependency.
#4 The 12-Step program is a cult.
Twelve-Step programs have overarching principles and traditions that may seem unusual to people unfamiliar with addiction and recovery. It is a close-knit group of people who share similar struggles, but this does not make it a cult. People are free to participate or not, and to take what works for them and leave the rest. There is hope that participants will embrace the wisdom of some of the 12-Step principles but they are also encouraged to think critically and to find their own way.
#5 There are too many rules.
Twelve-Step recovery is full of guiding principles and suggestions, but there are actually very few rules. Working the Steps is a choice participants make, of their own volition, every day. You can come and go as you choose, adapt the program to suit your needs, and if you relapse, the group will welcome you back with open hearts.
The 12-Step principles are not random or haphazard. Rather, they address specific deficits in learning, memory, empathy and other areas impacted by drug abuse. Sharing stories, along with routinely scheduled meetings and oft-repeated mantras, for example, help addicts remember the next right thing to do even when their thinking is still clouded by drugs.
#6 Twelve-Step recovery is for old men, losers and people who are too weak to do it on their own.
This misconception is based on inaccurate and outdated information. Addiction is a chronic, progressive illness, not an issue of willpower, and it affects all types of people. The opposite of weak, it takes tremendous strength and courage to reach out for help. Some people may be able to recover on their own, but most cannot – and there is no shame in that. People with other chronic diseases do not expect to heal themselves, nor should addicts. Even teens benefit from 12-step programs.
Addicts often feel they are different, better or less damaged than the people they meet at 12-Step meetings. In a group as diverse as is typically found in a 12-Step meeting, it would be surprising to instantly connect with, or even agree with, the perspectives of every member. You may look different on the surface but inside, the people in 12-Step recovery are fighting to stay clean just like you. Even if their stories are different, the underlying messages, struggles and goals are similar. If you feel out of place in a specific meeting, look inward to see if you are unfairly judging people before you get to know them. If you get to know the people a bit better and still feel uncomfortable, consider trying a few other meetings.
#7 Twelve-Step programs don’t work.
There has always been a divide between two schools of thought on addiction: the scientific community and the recovery community. At least in part because of this divide, there is a lack of scientific evidence documenting how and why the 12-Step program works (though anecdotal evidence is abundant). Science has long dismissed 12-Step recovery, leaving a dearth of data where 75 years of history should provide much more, and 12-Step recovery has long rejected the need for and validity of scientific inquiry. But the necessary conclusion is not that 12-Step recovery doesn’t work; rather, the research, to date, has been inadequate.
It’s unfortunate that 12-Step recovery is widely misunderstood and under-researched. Even less fortunate is the fact that these misconceptions drive people away from the process before they can evaluate whether the program might make a difference in their recovery. Like any single approach to addiction, 12-Step recovery isn’t for everyone. But for those who give it a fair try, the potential payoff is great. Recovery is not just about stopping one isolated behavior (drug use) but learning a new way of life – and this is the real value of 12-Step recovery.
David Sack, M.D., is board certified in psychiatry, addiction psychiatry, and addiction medicine. As CEO of Elements Behavioral Health he oversees addiction treatment programs at Promises Treatment Centers in Malibu and West Los Angeles, The Ranch outside Nashville, The Recovery Place rehab in Florida, Texas drug rehab The Right Step and Spirit Lodge, and San Cristobal rehab for men in New Mexico. You can follow Dr. Sack on Twitter @drdavidsack.
Some people have difficulty maintaining abstinence by willpower alone and need to look outside themselves to a “higher power” to change their behavior. A higher power can be a religious deity or entity, but it can also be the power of a group working toward a common goal, nature or some other outside force. If you feel uncomfortable with the spirituality of a particular group, keep searching until you find a closer match.
#2 Powerlessness frees the addict from accepting responsibility.
While the initial choice to use drugs or alcohol is within the individual’s control, once physical or psychological dependence sets in, they have lost control. Despite repeated attempts to quit, they continue using even in the face of job loss, financial and legal troubles, and other negative consequences. Powerlessness occurs because prolonged drug abuse changes the structure and function of the brain, and it takes time in sobriety to repair the damage.
Powerlessness does not mean that the addict is inherently flawed, exempt from thinking for themselves or incapable of recovery, or that they can rely on their higher power to fix everything without taking steps to improve their own lives. That would contradict the entire premise of the 12-Step program. Instead, it is a statement about the nature of the disease, designed to remove the blame and shame that often prevent addicts from getting help, and to show addicts one way of reclaiming power over their lives.
#3 Addicts substitute their addiction with a dependence on 12-Step meetings.
As a chronic, relapsing disease, long-term care is vital for sustained addiction recovery. If meetings provide some recovering addicts with the support and fellowship they need, they are encouraged to keep going as long as they wish. In the early stages, people may benefit from frequent attendance, which often diminishes over time as they develop other support systems and become more firmly grounded in their recovery.
Addicted or not, everyone needs support. If recovering addicts find that support in 12-Step meetings, they should continue to go. This type of ongoing participation in a program that improves members’ lives is very different from a destructive drug or alcohol dependency.
#4 The 12-Step program is a cult.
Twelve-Step programs have overarching principles and traditions that may seem unusual to people unfamiliar with addiction and recovery. It is a close-knit group of people who share similar struggles, but this does not make it a cult. People are free to participate or not, and to take what works for them and leave the rest. There is hope that participants will embrace the wisdom of some of the 12-Step principles but they are also encouraged to think critically and to find their own way.
#5 There are too many rules.
Twelve-Step recovery is full of guiding principles and suggestions, but there are actually very few rules. Working the Steps is a choice participants make, of their own volition, every day. You can come and go as you choose, adapt the program to suit your needs, and if you relapse, the group will welcome you back with open hearts.
The 12-Step principles are not random or haphazard. Rather, they address specific deficits in learning, memory, empathy and other areas impacted by drug abuse. Sharing stories, along with routinely scheduled meetings and oft-repeated mantras, for example, help addicts remember the next right thing to do even when their thinking is still clouded by drugs.
#6 Twelve-Step recovery is for old men, losers and people who are too weak to do it on their own.
This misconception is based on inaccurate and outdated information. Addiction is a chronic, progressive illness, not an issue of willpower, and it affects all types of people. The opposite of weak, it takes tremendous strength and courage to reach out for help. Some people may be able to recover on their own, but most cannot – and there is no shame in that. People with other chronic diseases do not expect to heal themselves, nor should addicts. Even teens benefit from 12-step programs.
Addicts often feel they are different, better or less damaged than the people they meet at 12-Step meetings. In a group as diverse as is typically found in a 12-Step meeting, it would be surprising to instantly connect with, or even agree with, the perspectives of every member. You may look different on the surface but inside, the people in 12-Step recovery are fighting to stay clean just like you. Even if their stories are different, the underlying messages, struggles and goals are similar. If you feel out of place in a specific meeting, look inward to see if you are unfairly judging people before you get to know them. If you get to know the people a bit better and still feel uncomfortable, consider trying a few other meetings.
#7 Twelve-Step programs don’t work.
There has always been a divide between two schools of thought on addiction: the scientific community and the recovery community. At least in part because of this divide, there is a lack of scientific evidence documenting how and why the 12-Step program works (though anecdotal evidence is abundant). Science has long dismissed 12-Step recovery, leaving a dearth of data where 75 years of history should provide much more, and 12-Step recovery has long rejected the need for and validity of scientific inquiry. But the necessary conclusion is not that 12-Step recovery doesn’t work; rather, the research, to date, has been inadequate.
It’s unfortunate that 12-Step recovery is widely misunderstood and under-researched. Even less fortunate is the fact that these misconceptions drive people away from the process before they can evaluate whether the program might make a difference in their recovery. Like any single approach to addiction, 12-Step recovery isn’t for everyone. But for those who give it a fair try, the potential payoff is great. Recovery is not just about stopping one isolated behavior (drug use) but learning a new way of life – and this is the real value of 12-Step recovery.
David Sack, M.D., is board certified in psychiatry, addiction psychiatry, and addiction medicine. As CEO of Elements Behavioral Health he oversees addiction treatment programs at Promises Treatment Centers in Malibu and West Los Angeles, The Ranch outside Nashville, The Recovery Place rehab in Florida, Texas drug rehab The Right Step and Spirit Lodge, and San Cristobal rehab for men in New Mexico. You can follow Dr. Sack on Twitter @drdavidsack.
Saturday, November 17
Forgiving Ourselves
I'm borrowing this from a friend who said it probably much better than I could have...
So forgiving ourselves....probably the most difficult part of becoming emotionally healthy. H was telling me about a group where the girls shared their secrets and concluded their speaking time with "And I forgive myself." The room had dim lights and ocean music playing as they read their list of secrets. Some of the women read their most hidden secrets and concluded with, "And I *can't* forgive myself." God....that breaks my heart. Every time I think of those girls, all of whom I have now met....although I don't know anyone's secrets or who is finding it impossible to forgive themselves...it gets me.
H and I talked about g-ma and her death bed letting go events. Letting go of the guilt and shame that she had carried for all of her adult life. H said she has thought about her g-ma a lot while in treatment. I know that g-ma would want our girl to be free and not carry to her death bed the burdens and the shame that she herself carried to her's.
I think forgiving ones self must be so very humbling. I would imagine that you come to a place of being desperate enough to accept forgiveness. I think so much of the time we are trained to not take anything that we haven't worked for that we almost can't trust the grace and forgiveness that is offered to us by God. What if we accept it and He takes it back? Or He changes His mind and decides we really aren't worthy after all. Its risky business to lay it all out there. I do believe that as we experience God's forgiveness and acceptance, it brings us to a place of being able to forgive ourselves.
I know that my experiences with God's forgiveness and unmerited compassion changed my life. My initial time of spiritual awakening was over 7 years ago and He hasn't defaulted on any of what He so graciously and mercifully gave to me....so maybe we are good. Those gifts have made me gentler with myself and with my fellow human beings. I still have some ways to go. I will until I am on *my* death bed because I will continue to make mistakes along the way because I am a mere human. Well meaning, but imperfect in a myriad of ways. My struggle is walking in acceptance of what is being offered to me.
“I feel like, God expects me to be human. I feel like, God likes me just the way I am: broken and empty and bruised. I feel like, God doesn't look at me and wish that I were something else, because He likes me just this way. I feel like, God doesn't want me to close my eyes and pray for Him to make me holy or for Him to make me pure; because He made me human. I feel like, God already knows I'm human...it is I who needs to learn that.”
― C. Joy Bell C.
Walk gently with one another....
Annette
So forgiving ourselves....probably the most difficult part of becoming emotionally healthy. H was telling me about a group where the girls shared their secrets and concluded their speaking time with "And I forgive myself." The room had dim lights and ocean music playing as they read their list of secrets. Some of the women read their most hidden secrets and concluded with, "And I *can't* forgive myself." God....that breaks my heart. Every time I think of those girls, all of whom I have now met....although I don't know anyone's secrets or who is finding it impossible to forgive themselves...it gets me.
H and I talked about g-ma and her death bed letting go events. Letting go of the guilt and shame that she had carried for all of her adult life. H said she has thought about her g-ma a lot while in treatment. I know that g-ma would want our girl to be free and not carry to her death bed the burdens and the shame that she herself carried to her's.
I think forgiving ones self must be so very humbling. I would imagine that you come to a place of being desperate enough to accept forgiveness. I think so much of the time we are trained to not take anything that we haven't worked for that we almost can't trust the grace and forgiveness that is offered to us by God. What if we accept it and He takes it back? Or He changes His mind and decides we really aren't worthy after all. Its risky business to lay it all out there. I do believe that as we experience God's forgiveness and acceptance, it brings us to a place of being able to forgive ourselves.
I know that my experiences with God's forgiveness and unmerited compassion changed my life. My initial time of spiritual awakening was over 7 years ago and He hasn't defaulted on any of what He so graciously and mercifully gave to me....so maybe we are good. Those gifts have made me gentler with myself and with my fellow human beings. I still have some ways to go. I will until I am on *my* death bed because I will continue to make mistakes along the way because I am a mere human. Well meaning, but imperfect in a myriad of ways. My struggle is walking in acceptance of what is being offered to me.
“I feel like, God expects me to be human. I feel like, God likes me just the way I am: broken and empty and bruised. I feel like, God doesn't look at me and wish that I were something else, because He likes me just this way. I feel like, God doesn't want me to close my eyes and pray for Him to make me holy or for Him to make me pure; because He made me human. I feel like, God already knows I'm human...it is I who needs to learn that.”
― C. Joy Bell C.
Walk gently with one another....
Annette
Saturday, December 17
The Spirit of...?
Hello, fellow readers and/or bloggers. Today is the 17th, and Christmas is just SCREEEEEAMING around the corner to land squarely in our laps. I always forget how fast and stealthy it can be!
This morning I got up early-I know "on a Saturday!?" right?! And felt like feeding my spirit. It's been slim pickin's lately in my little world, and I know that's due mostly to me and my own lack of action.
So, after doing a little housework, I dug out the old Brownsville Revival videos. It's been a while since I've gotten them out, so I figured whatever it was, it would be good for me. (Don't ask why there has never been any labelling of the videotapes. I just know they're SOMETHING from B-ville.) Turns out it was. Steve Hill was preaching out of Acts 17. The name of the sermon was "Babble On". I smile to myself now as I think of the unforgettable delivery style Steve has. It was good, like a cool drink of water after a dusty day. I still want ot order some videos off of the Brownsville site, or perhaps Michael Brown from one ot the sites he's involved with. I guess what I'm saying is, am I the only one who's feeling rather depleted in the spitirual food department?
I know I'm not. Problem is, I'm not sure I'm uncomfortable enough yet to get off my butt and seek God like He deserves. Dad used to say that when the discomfort from doing nothing got worse than the fear of change, (something like that) that's when a person would get moving.
I was tickled that the church listened when I suggested our having a New Years' thing, like "Praying in the New Year", you know? An alternative to whatever else is out there for hte night...My thought was a few hours of PRAYING and SEEKING God, with some worship and encouragement in Christ thrown in...
Yeah. I guess I should have spoken up more loudly.
It's turned into a "seeker-centered"/ outreach thing. Games, a band (playing secular music), food, more games, and some movies. That sounds like fun, doesn't it? I think it will probably be fun for whomever joins us. I don't even want to go, now, because I'm so disappointed...
It's all about change-or rather, willingness to have GOD change me/us/things.
Anyway, I found this last quotation on facebook. A friend of mine occasionally puts up some excellent things to ponder, and I wanted to share this one. (So I'll always know where it is, to quote my Dad) ; )
I hate to get all somber and serious, for the most part, but we ARE in rather serious times.
"In the world it is called Tolerance, but in hell it is called Despair, the sin that believes in nothing, cares for nothing, seeks to know nothing, interferes with nothing, enjoys nothing, hates nothing, finds purpose in nothing, lives for nothing, and remains alive because there is nothing for which it will die." ~ Dorothy L. Sayers died on December 17, 1957
We must seek Him while there is still time.
This morning I got up early-I know "on a Saturday!?" right?! And felt like feeding my spirit. It's been slim pickin's lately in my little world, and I know that's due mostly to me and my own lack of action.
So, after doing a little housework, I dug out the old Brownsville Revival videos. It's been a while since I've gotten them out, so I figured whatever it was, it would be good for me. (Don't ask why there has never been any labelling of the videotapes. I just know they're SOMETHING from B-ville.) Turns out it was. Steve Hill was preaching out of Acts 17. The name of the sermon was "Babble On". I smile to myself now as I think of the unforgettable delivery style Steve has. It was good, like a cool drink of water after a dusty day. I still want ot order some videos off of the Brownsville site, or perhaps Michael Brown from one ot the sites he's involved with. I guess what I'm saying is, am I the only one who's feeling rather depleted in the spitirual food department?
I know I'm not. Problem is, I'm not sure I'm uncomfortable enough yet to get off my butt and seek God like He deserves. Dad used to say that when the discomfort from doing nothing got worse than the fear of change, (something like that) that's when a person would get moving.
I was tickled that the church listened when I suggested our having a New Years' thing, like "Praying in the New Year", you know? An alternative to whatever else is out there for hte night...My thought was a few hours of PRAYING and SEEKING God, with some worship and encouragement in Christ thrown in...
Yeah. I guess I should have spoken up more loudly.
It's turned into a "seeker-centered"/ outreach thing. Games, a band (playing secular music), food, more games, and some movies. That sounds like fun, doesn't it? I think it will probably be fun for whomever joins us. I don't even want to go, now, because I'm so disappointed...
It's all about change-or rather, willingness to have GOD change me/us/things.
Anyway, I found this last quotation on facebook. A friend of mine occasionally puts up some excellent things to ponder, and I wanted to share this one. (So I'll always know where it is, to quote my Dad) ; )
I hate to get all somber and serious, for the most part, but we ARE in rather serious times.
"In the world it is called Tolerance, but in hell it is called Despair, the sin that believes in nothing, cares for nothing, seeks to know nothing, interferes with nothing, enjoys nothing, hates nothing, finds purpose in nothing, lives for nothing, and remains alive because there is nothing for which it will die." ~ Dorothy L. Sayers died on December 17, 1957
We must seek Him while there is still time.
Monday, December 5
Antici...pation
Can you? Can you?? Can you feel it???!! The antici....pation ; ) of the new blog I'm on the brink of throwing out to the world, in reckless abandon!? --and more than a little glee, I must add.
Well, I CERTAINLY CAN FEEL IT. I'm working out some of the details in my mind, a bit more each day, and I'm hoping to have this new child birthed by the middle of the month. Today being the 5th, I don't think I'm being too outlandish with that approximate date...I'll propbably come back to this exact post to put the first link, so I hope you will get ready to fly with me across the blog-o-sphere and into the land of wonder....
Well, I CERTAINLY CAN FEEL IT. I'm working out some of the details in my mind, a bit more each day, and I'm hoping to have this new child birthed by the middle of the month. Today being the 5th, I don't think I'm being too outlandish with that approximate date...I'll propbably come back to this exact post to put the first link, so I hope you will get ready to fly with me across the blog-o-sphere and into the land of wonder....
Talkin' about
ADD.,
Blogosphere,
hope,
OCD,
PTSD
Wednesday, August 13
One small step for Normies...
. Today I got to attend the first day of Orientation for my new JOB!!!! Whew! On the way in, I called a friend and asked him to pray for me, and I'm really glad he did. SO much information! There were 4 of us, and I'm the only one I think that didn't already have at least a Bachelor's degree. Maybe my "life experience" did count for something, come to think of it? the rest of the women were anywhere from 10-20 years younger than I, so I guess maybe experience did come into account. Anyway, I really liked the man doing the orientation, very nice and seemed friendly enough, as were the rest of the staff that we got ot meet today. Tomorrow we are back from 10-2pm for some more, and then I'll begin my 5 days of "shadowing" basically. I think the biggest thing that I'm concerned about, though, is how the boys are going to handle my being gone so much.
When I returned home today, they were to be at 1) their Dad's and 2) the B & G's club. Guess where the older boy was? Yeah. NOT at his Dad's. "I forgot." Yeah. So you couldn't call him? "He'd figure it out, he always does." (Visions of beating the tar out of him are becoming more difficult to squash.)Meanwhile, the ice cream which I had splurged on was of course completely gone, and so were some other things that had been set aside for a specific purpose....and he's being belligerant As usual. Again. Loudly. And arrogant...I said "If you are unable to handle being left alone while I am attempting to maintain keeping this job, I will find a babysitter for you." You know what his reply was. "Good!" I said I'm glad you're happy about it. I'll begin looking. (Yeah, right.) Then I think 'maybe that's what he needs, an adult to hang out with, but there again, I don't KNOW of any....God help me.
AAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
The little one was haveing a great time at the B & G's Club, getting DOWN on "Dance dance Revolution" when I arrived. He is really good at that. I'm looking at it and thinking it just might be the perfect thing to get my sad old butt to EXERCISE!!!
I dunno. I love to dance and it has so many levels, there might be one easy enough for a middle-aged wienie to start on...Well. It's a thought. I think I heard that it's almost impossible to find one of those anymore, but it is a thought. dancing/exercising would be a perfect thing for Little Bit & I to do together. HE at least still likes me, and usually tries to do what he's supposed to. I just wish I had a magic elixer to fix the rift between the bigger one & myself.
Lord, please help me.
The X (DQ) brings out a VCR when I drop off the boys for their Wednesday evening visit. He has lived under the delusion that "things" are what we/they/I need/want/require from him, for so long I don't even try anymore. I said "What's that?" He said a VCR. I said do you have the broken one? And he said "No." I guess
I was supposed to reach into my bag and hand him a cookie, at this point. Guess what. Nope, not even if I'd had one. Too little too late, and in fact just plain too WRONG.
I just want the child support and you to leave me alone, Pal. I get so weary of trying to untangle myself from the web of illusion that he weaves around "he" and "I".
As the Yahoos from the building next door yell at each other, in unintelligible mush-mouth redneck lingo, I wonder how much longer we'll live here. I half-expected to hear a beer bottle crashing in the direction of the truck screeching out of the parking lot, but I guess it's still a little early for them to be that aggressive with each other. Once in a while, a nice, clean-looking woman or couple will move in. But it's as if the poverty, the drugs and alcoholism, and the welfare mentality that has engulfed the entire apartment complex gets ahold of them, too. They get sucked under before too long, and pretty soon they are out in the parking lot screaming at each other with the rest. Most of the adults don't have a lot of teeth, and I guess they aren't really necessary since the local diet is mostly beer and cigarettes. The little girls don't stay little for long, thanks, in part to the latest Lolitas being sold to the masses on the magazines at the BP. The boys are so desperate for a sense of belonging and adult male approval that they are willing to settle for the drunken idiots that prey on the lonely single/welfare moms, talking smack and acting proud. The boys don't realize that it's mostly a show, to cover up their own feelings of failure. In reality, most of these "men" probably haven't had anyone teach them what a real man looks or sounds like, so they are making it up as they go, as well. The closest thing to a real male example around here is the Police and the School Principal--neither of them are exactly accessable, and both are figures that the children are taught to distrust and defy.
Hm. I wasn't feeling particularly down when I started this post. It seems to have taken a turn in that direction. Sorry about that, gang. I guess, if you read long enough, the depths will eventually seep out, and you'll get a glimpse or two of where we really are at this time. I hold tightly onto the saying "This too shall pass." I can SEE the light at the end of the tunnel, y'all!!! It's true. I think I'll go look up some inspirational quotes. They always make me feel better. (You know: a burden shared is a burden lessened.) I'm sure Dr. King has something good to say, think I'll go find something of his.
Be blessed, you all.
And remember,
FEELINGS aren't FACTS!
When I returned home today, they were to be at 1) their Dad's and 2) the B & G's club. Guess where the older boy was? Yeah. NOT at his Dad's. "I forgot." Yeah. So you couldn't call him? "He'd figure it out, he always does." (Visions of beating the tar out of him are becoming more difficult to squash.)Meanwhile, the ice cream which I had splurged on was of course completely gone, and so were some other things that had been set aside for a specific purpose....and he's being belligerant As usual. Again. Loudly. And arrogant...I said "If you are unable to handle being left alone while I am attempting to maintain keeping this job, I will find a babysitter for you." You know what his reply was. "Good!" I said I'm glad you're happy about it. I'll begin looking. (Yeah, right.) Then I think 'maybe that's what he needs, an adult to hang out with, but there again, I don't KNOW of any....God help me.
AAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
The little one was haveing a great time at the B & G's Club, getting DOWN on "Dance dance Revolution" when I arrived. He is really good at that. I'm looking at it and thinking it just might be the perfect thing to get my sad old butt to EXERCISE!!!
I dunno. I love to dance and it has so many levels, there might be one easy enough for a middle-aged wienie to start on...Well. It's a thought. I think I heard that it's almost impossible to find one of those anymore, but it is a thought. dancing/exercising would be a perfect thing for Little Bit & I to do together. HE at least still likes me, and usually tries to do what he's supposed to. I just wish I had a magic elixer to fix the rift between the bigger one & myself.
Lord, please help me.
The X (DQ) brings out a VCR when I drop off the boys for their Wednesday evening visit. He has lived under the delusion that "things" are what we/they/I need/want/require from him, for so long I don't even try anymore. I said "What's that?" He said a VCR. I said do you have the broken one? And he said "No." I guess
I was supposed to reach into my bag and hand him a cookie, at this point. Guess what. Nope, not even if I'd had one. Too little too late, and in fact just plain too WRONG.
I just want the child support and you to leave me alone, Pal. I get so weary of trying to untangle myself from the web of illusion that he weaves around "he" and "I".
As the Yahoos from the building next door yell at each other, in unintelligible mush-mouth redneck lingo, I wonder how much longer we'll live here. I half-expected to hear a beer bottle crashing in the direction of the truck screeching out of the parking lot, but I guess it's still a little early for them to be that aggressive with each other. Once in a while, a nice, clean-looking woman or couple will move in. But it's as if the poverty, the drugs and alcoholism, and the welfare mentality that has engulfed the entire apartment complex gets ahold of them, too. They get sucked under before too long, and pretty soon they are out in the parking lot screaming at each other with the rest. Most of the adults don't have a lot of teeth, and I guess they aren't really necessary since the local diet is mostly beer and cigarettes. The little girls don't stay little for long, thanks, in part to the latest Lolitas being sold to the masses on the magazines at the BP. The boys are so desperate for a sense of belonging and adult male approval that they are willing to settle for the drunken idiots that prey on the lonely single/welfare moms, talking smack and acting proud. The boys don't realize that it's mostly a show, to cover up their own feelings of failure. In reality, most of these "men" probably haven't had anyone teach them what a real man looks or sounds like, so they are making it up as they go, as well. The closest thing to a real male example around here is the Police and the School Principal--neither of them are exactly accessable, and both are figures that the children are taught to distrust and defy.
Hm. I wasn't feeling particularly down when I started this post. It seems to have taken a turn in that direction. Sorry about that, gang. I guess, if you read long enough, the depths will eventually seep out, and you'll get a glimpse or two of where we really are at this time. I hold tightly onto the saying "This too shall pass." I can SEE the light at the end of the tunnel, y'all!!! It's true. I think I'll go look up some inspirational quotes. They always make me feel better. (You know: a burden shared is a burden lessened.) I'm sure Dr. King has something good to say, think I'll go find something of his.
Be blessed, you all.
And remember,
FEELINGS aren't FACTS!
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