I'm not gone, just resting...

I've written a bit, today, and if you're really curious, you may (please) go see it here.
Thank you for coming to my little piece of cyberspace. Please leave a comment so I know you've been here. :)
Enjoy.

A great day to be above ground & sucking air. :)

The weather seems to have turned to a more pleasant place, for now. Not a lot to report, today, but tomorrow I'm going to pick up a Sponsee & go over her 1st step. It's amazing the miracles that occur from a simple thing like following directions. (GO FIGURE!) Things are still in the constant state of flux, here. Big Guy starts new job in 2 days. God's moving us...
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Ha ha

 Have a good Tuesday, friends.

Spring break already?!

Hiya! I've been away for a couple of weeks, now, and the best excuse I can give you is that I've gotten a new phone (2, actually, I had to return the first new one after ALMOST mastering it! UGH!!), and it's been kind of consuming me, as I try to figure out all the cool stuff it's got. (I got a cheap-ish Android. Just the basics, but WOW!) We stayed with Straight Talk, as our providers, even though their customer service HAS to be the ABSOLUTE worst. As I say that, I realize that I've not dealt with many Customer Service ppl, and it's possible that there are way worse ones out there. Eep! O.o
Anyway, that's not why I wanted to check in. Here's why:
I've been texting & emailing with a long-lost friend, lately. She's wonderful and so strong. She's got over 5 years clean, which is no small feat, in itself, and recently had a baby. Awesome, huh? Yeah, it kinda is. Then, you factor in her older son's struggle with (untreated) depression -lives with his dad-and failing grades in school, and you add the constant turmoil with a violent and psychotic ex, and custodial drama with the baby-daddy, and her own physical health issues...and it just makes it all too clear how getting clean is NOT the end of the race. It's a start in the right direction, but life, itself is SO much more complicated than "get off the _____, and live right!" one might think.
There's a saying in meetings about clearing away the wreckage of the past, and my dear friend, like everyone who has had a chemical dependency, has quite an accumulation of wreckage. But she does have one strong asset going for her that the majority of addicts don't, necessarily: She's got a Bible-believing support group, in addition to the step meetings, and she know where to find the answers. She's so smart and willing to do what she must.
I really can't say how proud I am of her, and how much I'm praying and rooting for her to get the dragons slayed. Most of us come into recovery with relationship (hostage) issues, and I'd bet a large majority of addicts and alcoholics have underlying mental health issues, too. These are just a couple of the things that have to be addressed to get to the real goal: Peace. Happiness (occasionally, at least). Self-supporting through our own contributions.... and, basically just LIVING rather than surviving.
So, when you're counting your blessings, and saying your prayers, keep this in mind, will ya? And add my friend to your prayers.
Thanks. God bless you.

Taking a moment to say thanks...

It occurred to me, that I've not gotten much interaction from my "followers", and I know that if I want to see something happen, oftentimes *I* need to step up. 
So, I appreciate you!! I know that many of you have similar struggles to mine, and others have loved ones who have been or are in my shoes. I just hope that you get some useful info or encouragement from this blog. 
I've been slacking in posting personal stuff lately, b/c I'm running on about half of my usual meds, and it makes for an emotional situation... My Sweety says I'm quicker to point out the negative in any given circumstance, which I equate with sounding more like my Mom...(ugh) and that's something I DO NOT want to do.
I'd imagine that the majority of people in my position have played the "I don't really need to be taking X, Y or Z! I can handle this" game, and stopped taking the medications prescribed to them. I personally have done that several times over the years, and although it's not always been purposely (Insurance & pharmacology being what it is), it has always ended with me seeing the difference in how my kids respond to me, and realizing that I can do better for them. This last time I was med-free, I told the Big Guy that if it were just ME, I might just go w/o them, to see what happened. However, it's NOT just me, so part of my caring for my family entails finding the humility to follow directions, even MORE. 
As we are still on the edge of the insurance abyss (Do we have it? Do we not?), I'm feeling my way w/o what the Dr.s say is necessary for my peak performance. I guess I'm willing to do what they say, when I can, For the simple fact that I know it makes life easier for my kids and my sweetheart. 
Someday, who knows?
Anyway, I am so very grateful for you coming over and doing life with me. Please leave a comment so I know who you are. :)  

The Legacy of Amy Winehouse

I don't know about you, but I could stand some encouraging stuff to read right about now. I guess this is one way that the parents of addicts can help those left behind.

The Legacy of Amy Winehouse | The Fix

P.S. I've got to mention this, Mr. Winehouse: an addiction to ALCOHOL does not a CLEAN person make. A drug is a drug is a drug. HELLOOOOOO.

Oh, yes I DID!!

I finally (2 months after the fact) went to a meeting last Sunday night and collected my Anniversary Token. "XX" it says. My Sponsor said she didn't know what I was doing, but it seems to be working! :-/ I love her as much as I can love any woman, I guess. She seems to be open, emotionally and generous with herself and her time. I can only imagine how that is, right now. (See the other blog for more info on that) Here. I still want what she has, even 20 years later. Now as I've grown to know more about myself, I'm not sure I can actually achieve what Sweet Sandy has, but with a little help from here and there, I'm going to see what I can do. :)




Oh, and the meeting was great. The topic was something about the difference between how happy, joyous and free folks with a program can be, vs. how miserable so many religious people are. I've been to churches a'plenty, and left feeling more alone and hopeless than before I went; and there have been very few times when I left a 12 step meeting feeling worse. Go figure, huh? God led me to AA and AA led me back to God.

Going back home...

This afternoon I got a text from my Sponsor that her husband was getting his 20 year token at a meeting nearby. I used to go to this meeting regularly, for years, and haven't been for probably a year, to this particular meeting. Even though it meant I had to miss evening church, I decided that I needed to be there. It's the first time she's EVER texted me, and it had been a mighty long time since I'd seen or spoken with her.    (I <3 don="don" even="even" i="i" if="if" in="in" keep="keep" my="my" nbsp="nbsp" p="p" sponsor="sponsor" t="t" touch="touch" very="very" well.="well.">I have had Sandy as my go-to Sponsor for quite a few years, although I admit that I feel guilty for not "using" her as I was taught. As I think about it, I suppose this probably has a lot to do with my (distant, emotionally, by necessity) relationship with my Mom. It's difficult for me to get close to a "Mother" figure, as I've never felt all that close to Mom. I love her, I just don't really know what to do with that, besides bob and weave.
Anyway, it was wonderful to see my Sponsor and several oldtimers tonight. I teased her hubby that we both haven't aged a BIT from 20 years, and poked him to lie back to me. ; )
So, I'm renewing my plans to include a meeting at least every other week, and maybe even getting to know my Sponsor again. : )

The End of The World...has come and gone.

Well, I thought I oughta tell  you about an "End of the World" partyt I got to go to last weekend. I know that for most of my life as an addict, I'd have been WONDERING what had happened while I was there. However, this year, as I recently celebrated having been clean for 20 years, things went quite a bit differently than way back then. 
My dearest friend, Barb & her 3 sons came up from her home in Tn to visit with her Mom, who lives just a short drive from me. Since the 2012 Blizzard had not yet hit, it was a nice drive for my 2 boys and I to go and spend a few hours. 
Unlike my family, Barb's little klan seems to have somehow managed to sidestep the addict gene, so they occasionally have a little "medicinal" recreation, let's say. While we were making sure I remembered how to get to (Barb's) Mom's house, Barb made sure I knew that Mom was planning on "partaking" at her party, having never done so before. At 75 years of age, I found this pretty funny-knowing the experiences of 2 out of her 4 kids to have been similar to my own, it seems like Mom woulda had to have checked thingsout by now, right? But, she'd apparently been hold out for the end of the world, and verily, the time had come. 
Long and short of it: by the time the boys & I arrived, there was a small pan of brownies that was untouched "the Clean batch", and about half of the LARGER batch was gone. It was a familiar sight, with everyone sitting around the table, glazed eyes and zoned looks ... I smiled and started picking on the closest of Barb's boys, telling him he looked REALLY thirsty....He grinned that red-eyed grin that so many of us know, oh, so well. Barb's Mom didn't particularly look any different but I learned later that she had had a couple of the "good" brownies and seemed to have fun.
The thing about this whole scene that made me want to post about it, is this: I was happy  to  get to hang out with my friend for a few hours, since it only happens every few years, and  I was prepared to deal with the fact that one of my long-time favorites was going to be there. Honestly, knowing that Mom's house is HUGE, I only had a minimal concern about the odor (didn't know that they were going to be eating, for the most part) bothering me, and having thought it through (the inevitable consequences if I chose to use) so many times, I wasn't uncomfortable at all about the proximity. A couple of reasons that also helped me know that I would leave there with the same clean date that I arrived there with:
1. My boys were with me, and I am determined to give them reason to make wiser choices than I did...
2. My Darling husband inspires me to keep up the good fight.
3. My relationship with my Savior gives me strength to keep my priorities in mind.
4. I haven't been through the ________ of the last 20 years to give away my clean date on a silly whim!! 
5. Oh, and also, there's NO WAY there woulda been enough of ANYTHING to satisfy my need for numbness if I would have began the self-destruct, again. 
So, it was great seeing my best friend from 8th grade and her sweet boys. I always enjoy spending time with Barb. We understand each other like not many people I know. I support her even when I don't agree with her, and I know that she feels the same toward me. 
I am hopeful that someday in the NOT too distant future, we will again be neighbors. Until then, we'll just have to be long distance BUDS Friends. LOL

Christmas Eve 2012...

This year Christmas has come and (almost) gone with breath-taking speed. I'm not certain if this is due to our general lack of organization and time management, or because we are less and less focused on "things", here at the O/W Homestead.
For the last couple of weeks or so, I've been busy working on finding and acquiring household and foodstuff for a friend of mine who has been in the process of moving out of the "transitional housing" apartment and into her Very Own Place. It's been exciting for me, as I've been gathering resources for just such an occasion for many years; a favorite untapped one is a lady I befriended a few years back when we were involved in a group seeking to help out local homeless youth. Miss B is a charming lady, probably not much older than myself, who has an eye for "potential". This includes cast-off items from the local auction house, thrift stores, and possibly even more-so: people. I've been wanting to get a look into Miss B's OVER-stuffed garage since I first discovered her "collection" of "treasures". (Ok, she's a pre-recovering Hoarder, and I can tell you that it's probably my VERY favorite kind!) Given the time and a place, I'm quite sure that Miss B & I could easily do a lot of excellent up-cycling of various kinds of furniture & misc. house wares. She's mentioned doing something like that before, but I'm afraid it's probably just her wishful thinking.
At any rate, yesterday I went to "Christmas Dinner" with Mom, my brother & his family, along with my 2 darling boys. The Big Guy was working, so it wasn't a complete family gathering. His company was sorely missed. My little niece who has been quite taken with the Big Guy, from the first time they met, seemed to be getting by, when she immediately requested my older son to sit by her. She's adorable, and my guys have pretty much always had that effect on girls. My younger son sat with his nearly-twin-aged cousin and they talked about video games for the most part.
We went to a very nice Chinese restaurant and everyone ate their fill. I got an extra big helping to take home for my Sweety, so everyone was extra blessed. Mom said this was her gift to us all, and I gotta say, we were all sorely blessed.
I went to a meeting this evening. The topic was Resentments, but it kinda ended up being more about Boundaries. I suggested a friend check out an Al-anon meeting after he shared about family members and the chaos they'd brung into his home...Thank God I've been willing to get peace of mind, whether it comes from people who are addicts, alkies, or just happened to be the ones who got crazy as a result of them. Ultimately it's the same 12 steps, and I'm grateful to have learned more than one way to apply them to my life.
My Love has finally come home from another 13-hour day, so I'll close now.
I hope that your Christmas is a good one, filled with the Spirit that brought us life. Jesus came to give us life, and that more abundantly. truly, in all of my experiences, I've never felt more alive than since I determined to build my life on the Solid Rock.
Here are some tunes I love, this and any time of the year:

Happy Thursday!

Greetings, fellow Wanderers, Seekers, and occasional Dancers! I've gotta tell you, this week has been fraught with good stuff.
One good thing was that I heard God telling me something as I was telling my sweet hubby something entirely different. It was painful to accept, but the gist was that I need to let go of some "dreams" I've been holding onto for SO long. The lesson was, I'm hoping and trusting, that as I let go of the dream, God will fill the empty hand with something FAR better-something of HIS choosing (-which always turns out better, anyway) I won't be surprised if there are other dreams of my own creation that I need to release, but the one that I was confronted with the other day was a good step, I think.
Another good GOOD thing, is that I seem to have somehow gotten past (translation: DELIVERED FROM) the serious resentments I've held onto towards my ex-husband for SO so long. Somehow, that in itself could have a part to play in some other great developments in our little home. I'll just say that there is a new element to the relationship between the Big Guy and the Little One, which has been delightful for all involved.  :) And it's not even Christmas, yet!!
Meanwhile, in the rest of the world, the onslaught of fleas has not yet been conquered. I've tried everything I think short of bombing the apartment and getting the cats to a vet to be flea-dipped. That's likely to take a large chunk out of the (SMALL) Christmas funds, but it's all I want for a present at this point. Poor little critters are all ate up and they are just miserable. God, HELP!!
Take it easy, kids. Let's meet at a meeting soon, k? : )  

It works IF YOU WORK it.

Why the Hostility Toward the 12 Steps?

These misconceptions about 12-Step programs could interfere with recovery

Published on November 20, 2012 by David Sack, M.D. in Where Science Meets the Steps

Few approaches to addiction generate as much controversy as 12-Step recovery. On one side are the ardent supporters of the program, some of whom credit it with saving their lives. On the other side are the critics and those who found that the program didn’t resonate with them or even hindered their recovery. Both have valid points, and both, in the end, are seeking answers to a problem that defies easy solutions.
It is understandable that 12-Step recovery would generate such strong opposing views. The program touches on fundamental questions everyone has to answer for themselves. Still, it works for many where other approaches fail – and that, to me, is enough to warrant further investigation.
Although it is by no means a perfect program, many of the objections to 12-Step recovery are based on widespread misconceptions. Let’s clear up a few of the most common misunderstandings:
#1 You have to be religious or believe in God to make the program work.

The 12 Steps contain numerous references to God or a higher power, and some meetings conclude with a prayer. Although the Steps were initially conceived from a Christian point of view, the core principles have been beneficial for millions of people who do not believe in God. Like other texts and programs, the 12 Steps are a series of words and concepts that are open to interpretation.
Some people have difficulty maintaining abstinence by willpower alone and need to look outside themselves to a “higher power” to change their behavior. A higher power can be a religious deity or entity, but it can also be the power of a group working toward a common goal, nature or some other outside force. If you feel uncomfortable with the spirituality of a particular group, keep searching until you find a closer match.
#2 Powerlessness frees the addict from accepting responsibility.
While the initial choice to use drugs or alcohol is within the individual’s control, once physical or psychological dependence sets in, they have lost control. Despite repeated attempts to quit, they continue using even in the face of job loss, financial and legal troubles, and other negative consequences. Powerlessness occurs because prolonged drug abuse changes the structure and function of the brain, and it takes time in sobriety to repair the damage.
Powerlessness does not mean that the addict is inherently flawed, exempt from thinking for themselves or incapable of recovery, or that they can rely on their higher power to fix everything without taking steps to improve their own lives. That would contradict the entire premise of the 12-Step program. Instead, it is a statement about the nature of the disease, designed to remove the blame and shame that often prevent addicts from getting help, and to show addicts one way of reclaiming power over their lives.
#3 Addicts substitute their addiction with a dependence on 12-Step meetings.
As a chronic, relapsing disease, long-term care is vital for sustained addiction recovery. If meetings provide some recovering addicts with the support and fellowship they need, they are encouraged to keep going as long as they wish. In the early stages, people may benefit from frequent attendance, which often diminishes over time as they develop other support systems and become more firmly grounded in their recovery.
Addicted or not, everyone needs support. If recovering addicts find that support in 12-Step meetings, they should continue to go. This type of ongoing participation in a program that improves members’ lives is very different from a destructive drug or alcohol dependency.
#4 The 12-Step program is a cult.
Twelve-Step programs have overarching principles and traditions that may seem unusual to people unfamiliar with addiction and recovery. It is a close-knit group of people who share similar struggles, but this does not make it a cult. People are free to participate or not, and to take what works for them and leave the rest. There is hope that participants will embrace the wisdom of some of the 12-Step principles but they are also encouraged to think critically and to find their own way.
#5 There are too many rules.
Twelve-Step recovery is full of guiding principles and suggestions, but there are actually very few rules. Working the Steps is a choice participants make, of their own volition, every day. You can come and go as you choose, adapt the program to suit your needs, and if you relapse, the group will welcome you back with open hearts.
The 12-Step principles are not random or haphazard. Rather, they address specific deficits in learning, memory, empathy and other areas impacted by drug abuse. Sharing stories, along with routinely scheduled meetings and oft-repeated mantras, for example, help addicts remember the next right thing to do even when their thinking is still clouded by drugs.
#6 Twelve-Step recovery is for old men, losers and people who are too weak to do it on their own.
This misconception is based on inaccurate and outdated information. Addiction is a chronic, progressive illness, not an issue of willpower, and it affects all types of people. The opposite of weak, it takes tremendous strength and courage to reach out for help. Some people may be able to recover on their own, but most cannot – and there is no shame in that. People with other chronic diseases do not expect to heal themselves, nor should addicts. Even teens benefit from 12-step programs.
Addicts often feel they are different, better or less damaged than the people they meet at 12-Step meetings. In a group as diverse as is typically found in a 12-Step meeting, it would be surprising to instantly connect with, or even agree with, the perspectives of every member. You may look different on the surface but inside, the people in 12-Step recovery are fighting to stay clean just like you. Even if their stories are different, the underlying messages, struggles and goals are similar. If you feel out of place in a specific meeting, look inward to see if you are unfairly judging people before you get to know them. If you get to know the people a bit better and still feel uncomfortable, consider trying a few other meetings.
#7 Twelve-Step programs don’t work.
There has always been a divide between two schools of thought on addiction: the scientific community and the recovery community. At least in part because of this divide, there is a lack of scientific evidence documenting how and why the 12-Step program works (though anecdotal evidence is abundant). Science has long dismissed 12-Step recovery, leaving a dearth of data where 75 years of history should provide much more, and 12-Step recovery has long rejected the need for and validity of scientific inquiry. But the necessary conclusion is not that 12-Step recovery doesn’t work; rather, the research, to date, has been inadequate.
It’s unfortunate that 12-Step recovery is widely misunderstood and under-researched. Even less fortunate is the fact that these misconceptions drive people away from the process before they can evaluate whether the program might make a difference in their recovery. Like any single approach to addiction, 12-Step recovery isn’t for everyone. But for those who give it a fair try, the potential payoff is great. Recovery is not just about stopping one isolated behavior (drug use) but learning a new way of life – and this is the real value of 12-Step recovery.
David Sack, M.D., is board certified in psychiatry, addiction psychiatry, and addiction medicine. As CEO of Elements Behavioral Health he oversees addiction treatment programs at Promises Treatment Centers in Malibu and West Los Angeles, The Ranch outside Nashville, The Recovery Place rehab in Florida, Texas drug rehab The Right Step and Spirit Lodge, and San Cristobal rehab for men in New Mexico. You can follow Dr. Sack on Twitter @drdavidsack.

AWOL (WARNING: I'm not sure how "PC" this one is gonna be)

Hello! Sorry about the temporary leave of absence. I've been pseudo-scurrying to get things back into some kind of manageability, what with the new and improved job situation and then the back-to-school thing going on... So, far, here's where things stand:
Boy #15 (you figure it out ;>) is doing one bang-up job of FLUNKING out of every class save one, in which the boy genius is getting a D-. Impressive, huh? I accept responsibility for some of that, but not nearly all of it. My part is that we did not have the ADHD meds for part of the time that school has been reconvened. I was not able to get to the website to check on his grades until about a week or so ago, so you can imagine my surprise---ahem---at this information not adding up with his repeatedly optimistic replies when I'd ask him how school was going. Funny how it DOES jibe with the conspicuous ABSENCE of any kind of school materials EVER coming home with him...
WHY is it not legal to kill one's own offspring? I mean, really. As long as it's semi-quick, and they don't suffer too much, it ought to be acceptable. I'm sure in some country, this is an understood and even preferred practise. Oh, wait, I think I remember there being a time when it WAS. But that was before we decided that WE knew better than God.
Nevermind.
I mean, c'mon. It's not like we couldn't just make MORE kids. For that matter, there are plenty to go around, aren't there? Yours shows their little a$$ a few times too many, you take care of the problem and go get a kid w/o a home. I'm betting they would act much better than their predecessor. I know *I* would be a whole different person if that had been in effect. lol

Wow. I sure didn't see all THAT coming.
ANNNyyywaay. So I'm limping along with my studies...sans one of the textbooks b/c of the school's new computer and bookstore situation. (IS there a "better" time to change over computer systems and bookstores for online classes? Coz if there is, they haven't found it!) However, being the generally creative sort, I am not terribly distraught about it, b/c I've been blessed to have hobbled through the grading finishline with decent enough grades for the most part, so far. The class in question is Grief and Loss, and I actually (like the researching geek I tend to be)studied up on that a bit when Dad was dying, and have confidence that THAT will help at least a little.

No new man. (Yay?) I know that I feel like I ought to seriously hang it up for now, but for whatever reasons, that I'll let YOU analyze on your own time if you care to, I'm just not willing to stop looking yet. Then that little voice in my head says "What if you DON'T do what you're feeling is the right thing for now, and it gets you ReALLY hurt?" I mean, I've been blessed so far, and not met any freaks at all. I s'pose I am getting close to being due, statistically speaking. But I've also NOT met a lot of the men I've had contact with. I guess I've been careful enough for now. I have no interest in meeting any of my x's, so that right there helps me to stay on my toes. I could go to a few CODA meetings, probably. Would that help me to get re-focused? Hm. Probably not. I know intellectually that a man in my life is NOT going to "fix" anything, yet emotionally... I've gotten a taste of the delicious frenzy that is infatuation, again, and I LIKE it. I wonder if there is a "Relationship Addicts Anonymous" in this area? Not that I'm ready to go there yet, but this blog IS kind of being written by an admitted ADDICT, now isn't it?

AUGH!!! WHY couldn't I have stayed IGNORANT? It was SO blissful, as the saying goes.

So, how's YOUR week going?

Started with crickets, ended with prayer

This evening I went over to a friend's new apartment, and we had spaghetti for dinner. A young couple came over and the guy cooked up a storm, while I got to know the girl, which was nice. (There has been a noticeable lack of female friendship in my life for way too long. The only long-term ones are either geographically far away or just "too busy"... more on that at a later date)
But tonight I felt like "one of the gang", which has been forever since I felt like that. I brought the makings for root beer floats, which went over really well. My friend, "Dave", is going through a painful time, so many of the recovering community have been staying pretty close to him. I haven't known him for long, but I am continually struck by his willingness to talk about the pain and confusion he's walking through, and he keeps on keepin' on.
A couple of other things stand out to me, too, but I'm not sure in what order. He's a few inches taller than me and really good at giving hugs; and he has had a serious spiritual awakening, and we are able to talk to one another on a deeply spiritual level. That doesn't happen very often.

I told him I was not interested in anything besides being his FRIEND. I know the last thing either of us needs is that. I care too much about him (and me) to muck things up like that. It would only be (WHATEVER), and it would be bad.
After Shawn & Jasmine left, T came over. He seems to be the guy who rounds out the group. Kind of introspective, but also pretty witty. It's a close-knit group. as far as I can tell, and I just hope there can be a space made for me and mine in it.I felt like a sister hanging with "Dave" and another friend of ours, and that was very nice.
Before T & I left, we 3 prayed together, and it was really, really good. T is much deeper than first appearances imply. I played a Joy Whitlock song for them called "Faith Don't Fail". It speaks to me in a big way

"I just wanna get this out, I wish I didn't know what I know.
These memories are like hands around my throat.
It's what keeps me in, it's what locks me out.
Oh, faith don't fail me now."

She has a MySpace page, and her music is exceptional.

I know everything is going to be alright.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Happy Day!!
I get to spend the day at home with my energetic, loud children. Oh, joy.
OK, seriously, I am grateful that I DO get to be home with them. I don't know how much longer I will have the opportunity. Things can change to friggin' quickly...and I know it.
So why am I not deep-down, all-over REALLY happy when I get to be with them for prolonged periods of time??? I would absolutely give my life for them. I do enjoy their company, for the most part. I think it must be that together, they feed off of each others' hyperactive tendencies, and then as that happens, the volume goes up higher and higher. I am just worn out.
I want to see about getting off of the ADD medicine I've been on. It seems that my memory and attentiveness are getting much worse as time goes on, and not at all in the direction they were in the earlier stages of taking the meds. I've done the differing doses, tried a couple of different medications, and the results are getting to be more and more quickly, that they are just not giving me much (if any) relief. I know there was a very long time that anti-depressants were more than sufficient, now I think I want to see if that could be the case again. The less I have to depend on a pharmacy to be able to interact with the rest of the population, the better. And certainly it can only help the way I relate to the boys. I have to be able to access the "best" me, in order to give them the best Mom I can.

OK.
How's everyone today? Busy, right? Yeah, that seems to be the buzz-word of the year, so far. Kinda getting on my nerves, actually, but that's enough for now. I've got better things to tell ya about...
I did get over to S-ville Monday, and the "Sanctuary" is really crazy cool. (Did I just completely AGE myself or what?) Seriously, it would have to be "the SH*T" if it wasn't so totally a God-thing!!!
I got to meet the husband-wife team that are turning the old Armory building into a temporary/transitional housing site for Survivors of Domestic Violence. They are a couple of really impressive people. I s'pose I ought to give you an idea of what impresses me, huh? (Maybe that could stand a bit of a qualifier...)
She: strong and slender, mid-40's. She dresses modestly, but not "frumpily" , speaks like a woman with a clearly focused passion. K is the heart of the deal, and she is relatively "street-wise" for being a church lady. This is due in part to having been married to an alcoholic for a number of years, I imagine. If a woman can come through her man's active addiction without losing herself, and with her spirit intact, she has accomplished something, I think. I forget how long D was drinking, but K somehow convinced him that she really meant it, this time, and he didn't think much of the idea of living under a bridge, so he got into a recovery program.
He: Slim, intelligent and also deeply committed to the Sanctuary. Worked for 20-odd years as a Head Engineer-type something at some big company, while at the same time, also working hard at his preferred vocation, which involved amassing a substantial set-up of sound, lights, stage and any other kind of equipment necessary for a concert, or multi-media event. "Coincidentally", the Sanctuary has a large gymnasium which is being used for fund-raising events, like concerts, conferences, banquets, and the like. Also "coincidentally", D did a lot of managing commercial construction sites, and as he explained to me, the renovations they are doing to the building are actually not anything tricky at all for him.
I think God hand-picked the two of them, and they seem to be really content at this juncture and anxious to continue moving toward completion. I hope that I will be able to be involved in this ministry. K said to me that she realizes the need for someone who has lived it, to be able to talk to the women who will be coming, and to the population in general, as there are certain to be some drug-related situations. Funny, when I think of domestic violence, or homelessness, etc., it almost starts the first notes of a song in my head, to the tune of "Love and Marriage" (They DO go together like a horse and carriage, don't they?)
Well, that's enough for now. I'd love to stay in here with you all night, but I've got some other procrastinating to do, before I get crackin' (no, not like that, you silly.) on my shiny new textbooks. This semester I'm taking "Interviewing and Assessment" and "Counseling Issues and Substance Abuse" or something like that. SO, be warned:
I'll be needing to do several interviews. Drop me a line if you'd be willing to volunteer for me. If possible I will even let you pick the topic, as long as it's not a shameless plug for something. (lol)

Have a good evening, citizens.
abbie

Step by Step

Well this has been an interesting weekend, to say the least.
I spent most of yesterday afternoon with Mom. I hadn't really planned THAT much "hanging" time, but it was pretty good, and I'm grateful that I have that opportunity. It's wonderful and scary at the same time, how much fun we can have together, these days. I regret that it's taken so long for us to reach this place. Here's a Psych thought for ya:
Do we get along so much, now, because I have finally become able to see some of the good qualities that God has given me, as GOOD? We are absolutely a lot alike, and I suspect that my acceptance of Mom and her idiosyncrasies grows in direct proportion to my self-acceptance.
We went to Menard's who "happened" to be having a big, fat 80% off Christmas sale. WOW talk about some serious shopping! (Mind you, it's never been my forte', but I am always open to practicing, when appropriately equipped :o> ) After about an hour & a half, we were getting hungry so we went to Golden Corral. I love their rolls & that awesome honey butter. I could literally eat that for every meal for a week. S'pose that I might be a "carbohydrate addict"?? So, I wolfed down 2 on top of WAAAYYY too many dessert items.
I have been getting a bit of exercise in lately. MORE than usual, but I would be elated to add exercise--of any kind, practically--to the list of things I tend to OVER-indulge in. Hah. Fat chance. :o( It must have been Friday that I did the most exercising of late, because I'm all sore in places that I was not aware that I have muscles. What a wuss.
Anyway, tomorrow morning I am going to Shelbyville, God willing, to meet the folks at "Sanctuary of Shelbyville". I'm excited to see the place, having been to their MySpace site and read a couple of things about them. A couple from a nearby church were led to sell their house and buy a National Guard Armory, and they have been working on turning it into a shelter or something for victims of Domestic Violence. I think it is going to be 10 apartments for the (woman, usually) and their kids. Since the people involved are doing it strictly from their own resources, I am going on a fact-finding mission, kind of, to see what CFWC can do to help. I am particularly interested in seeing if God wants ME to be of any specific service...
So. my dXh is going farther all the time into, uh, let's just say "curious" territory with his appearance. I was not surprised that he has been getting rather upset when we forget to call first and just drop in. His clothes and accessories have been gradually morphing into the affects of his past. He blows it off when I indicate that I'm noticing, but I have my concerns. It's hard to believe that neither of the boys has noticed anything unusual...Perhaps I will speak to him about it, more seriously.





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