Taking a moment to say thanks...

It occurred to me, that I've not gotten much interaction from my "followers", and I know that if I want to see something happen, oftentimes *I* need to step up. 
So, I appreciate you!! I know that many of you have similar struggles to mine, and others have loved ones who have been or are in my shoes. I just hope that you get some useful info or encouragement from this blog. 
I've been slacking in posting personal stuff lately, b/c I'm running on about half of my usual meds, and it makes for an emotional situation... My Sweety says I'm quicker to point out the negative in any given circumstance, which I equate with sounding more like my Mom...(ugh) and that's something I DO NOT want to do.
I'd imagine that the majority of people in my position have played the "I don't really need to be taking X, Y or Z! I can handle this" game, and stopped taking the medications prescribed to them. I personally have done that several times over the years, and although it's not always been purposely (Insurance & pharmacology being what it is), it has always ended with me seeing the difference in how my kids respond to me, and realizing that I can do better for them. This last time I was med-free, I told the Big Guy that if it were just ME, I might just go w/o them, to see what happened. However, it's NOT just me, so part of my caring for my family entails finding the humility to follow directions, even MORE. 
As we are still on the edge of the insurance abyss (Do we have it? Do we not?), I'm feeling my way w/o what the Dr.s say is necessary for my peak performance. I guess I'm willing to do what they say, when I can, For the simple fact that I know it makes life easier for my kids and my sweetheart. 
Someday, who knows?
Anyway, I am so very grateful for you coming over and doing life with me. Please leave a comment so I know who you are. :)  

The End of The World...has come and gone.

Well, I thought I oughta tell  you about an "End of the World" partyt I got to go to last weekend. I know that for most of my life as an addict, I'd have been WONDERING what had happened while I was there. However, this year, as I recently celebrated having been clean for 20 years, things went quite a bit differently than way back then. 
My dearest friend, Barb & her 3 sons came up from her home in Tn to visit with her Mom, who lives just a short drive from me. Since the 2012 Blizzard had not yet hit, it was a nice drive for my 2 boys and I to go and spend a few hours. 
Unlike my family, Barb's little klan seems to have somehow managed to sidestep the addict gene, so they occasionally have a little "medicinal" recreation, let's say. While we were making sure I remembered how to get to (Barb's) Mom's house, Barb made sure I knew that Mom was planning on "partaking" at her party, having never done so before. At 75 years of age, I found this pretty funny-knowing the experiences of 2 out of her 4 kids to have been similar to my own, it seems like Mom woulda had to have checked thingsout by now, right? But, she'd apparently been hold out for the end of the world, and verily, the time had come. 
Long and short of it: by the time the boys & I arrived, there was a small pan of brownies that was untouched "the Clean batch", and about half of the LARGER batch was gone. It was a familiar sight, with everyone sitting around the table, glazed eyes and zoned looks ... I smiled and started picking on the closest of Barb's boys, telling him he looked REALLY thirsty....He grinned that red-eyed grin that so many of us know, oh, so well. Barb's Mom didn't particularly look any different but I learned later that she had had a couple of the "good" brownies and seemed to have fun.
The thing about this whole scene that made me want to post about it, is this: I was happy  to  get to hang out with my friend for a few hours, since it only happens every few years, and  I was prepared to deal with the fact that one of my long-time favorites was going to be there. Honestly, knowing that Mom's house is HUGE, I only had a minimal concern about the odor (didn't know that they were going to be eating, for the most part) bothering me, and having thought it through (the inevitable consequences if I chose to use) so many times, I wasn't uncomfortable at all about the proximity. A couple of reasons that also helped me know that I would leave there with the same clean date that I arrived there with:
1. My boys were with me, and I am determined to give them reason to make wiser choices than I did...
2. My Darling husband inspires me to keep up the good fight.
3. My relationship with my Savior gives me strength to keep my priorities in mind.
4. I haven't been through the ________ of the last 20 years to give away my clean date on a silly whim!! 
5. Oh, and also, there's NO WAY there woulda been enough of ANYTHING to satisfy my need for numbness if I would have began the self-destruct, again. 
So, it was great seeing my best friend from 8th grade and her sweet boys. I always enjoy spending time with Barb. We understand each other like not many people I know. I support her even when I don't agree with her, and I know that she feels the same toward me. 
I am hopeful that someday in the NOT too distant future, we will again be neighbors. Until then, we'll just have to be long distance BUDS Friends. LOL

About me...

So this is December, 2012. So far the temperatures have felt a lot like winter in the middle of Florida, instead of central Indiana. Balmy, almost. Tomorrow it's supposed to get closer to the norm, they say. I'm kind of enjoying the variety.
I've been pretty much "cheating" on my blogging duties, here for a while, and this post marks my returning to the kind of blogging that reveals a bit more of who I am, in hopes that through my story, you might somehow feel better about living your own story.
I suppose that the best place to begin this new revelationary section is to try to catch you up to what's going on in my world. Wow, now I'm wondering if it's even possible for me to touch briefly on things without this becoming a 500-page novella!

In case we haven't met:
Hi. I'm Abbie. I've been married to the Man o' my Dreams for coming up on 2 years. We met on http://www.christiandatingforfree.com  about 3 years ago. I'd been looking (for him, I now know) for several years, and yes it included kissing more than a couple frogs. I figured out after a while that even on a Christian site, you have to read the ads a lot like you'd read any ad trying to sell something. (Read between the lines. A LOT.) He was living and working at the Fort Wayne, IN. Salvation Army where he'd gotten clean & sober, and my 2 boys and I were living in Franklin, IN. in "subsidized housing" while I worked on a degree in Substance Abuse Counseling. Several years before he & I getting together, I'd found a small church that I'd grown to love.
Prior to recovery, I'd almost exclusively been taught about the harsh/wrathful angry God, which led me to conclude after a while that I'd just as soon not even try to do "right" since I hadn't EVER been able to measure up, even to just the requirements of my earthly father.  Probably halfway into the years of my active addiction, I decided that I'd just focus on being "EVIL".
As far as the details of my life in active addiction, really? If you've ever been an addict or are now, let me assure you, our stories aren't much different. Maybe the locations, the "circles" we ran in might have been different, but what matters, really, is the feelings and the fact that I had been willing to do whatever was required to get the HELL away from ME. Sound familiar?
I suppose I should tell you that before I found drugs and alcohol (self-medicating, you know), I'd already come to the conclusion that there were things in my mind that were, uh, different from everyone else. I still wonder sometimes which came first: the mental illness or the addiction? Not that it really matters, but it is something I wonder about.

I'm the mother of 2 beautiful boys, B & E, and at the moment we cohabitate with 3 cats: Oli, Booger, and Pretty. At different times, we've had Leopard Gekko's, birds, and I also had a little chinchilla for a time, while living in Germany. I've always enjoyed the company of animals over that of humans, and in retrospect I believe that I feel that way due to the dysfunction in my family of origin. The only emotional constants were fear and rage. (Dad did his best, but that's how he was raised. Mom tried to protect me, but it was not an easy proposition.) I was left to find comfort and love from my pet.
Don't get me wrong: my parents did their very best. Don't we all? "This is how I was raised, and so it's what comes naturally" while dealing with the rigors of family life. I knew I never wanted my kids to be as terrified of me as I was of my Dad. Thank God I saw that there was a better way to live, before I had any children of my own.
Well, that's about all I've got for now. Here's the short version of some things I've left out:
I am a Follower of Christ, NOT "religious". My children mean more ot me than they can imagine. I have many regrets where my "parenting" them is concerned, but by the grace of God, I'm learning... I have an odd sense of humor and sometimes I've been known to be "inappropriate". (Whoops!) I don't take myself too seriously, and I rely heavily on the grace of God. I love the country, prefer contemporary Christian music or Worship/Praise tunes. My best friends have primarily been 4-footed, and I'm a little bit crafty.
Blessings & ttfn ; )

Happy Thursday!

Greetings, fellow Wanderers, Seekers, and occasional Dancers! I've gotta tell you, this week has been fraught with good stuff.
One good thing was that I heard God telling me something as I was telling my sweet hubby something entirely different. It was painful to accept, but the gist was that I need to let go of some "dreams" I've been holding onto for SO long. The lesson was, I'm hoping and trusting, that as I let go of the dream, God will fill the empty hand with something FAR better-something of HIS choosing (-which always turns out better, anyway) I won't be surprised if there are other dreams of my own creation that I need to release, but the one that I was confronted with the other day was a good step, I think.
Another good GOOD thing, is that I seem to have somehow gotten past (translation: DELIVERED FROM) the serious resentments I've held onto towards my ex-husband for SO so long. Somehow, that in itself could have a part to play in some other great developments in our little home. I'll just say that there is a new element to the relationship between the Big Guy and the Little One, which has been delightful for all involved.  :) And it's not even Christmas, yet!!
Meanwhile, in the rest of the world, the onslaught of fleas has not yet been conquered. I've tried everything I think short of bombing the apartment and getting the cats to a vet to be flea-dipped. That's likely to take a large chunk out of the (SMALL) Christmas funds, but it's all I want for a present at this point. Poor little critters are all ate up and they are just miserable. God, HELP!!
Take it easy, kids. Let's meet at a meeting soon, k? : )  

Dodging the Bullet OR Have I ever had a better cup of coffee?

Well, here's the latest on the Homestead dramas du jour: the boy doesn't have to go live with the Paternal Unit YET. Although I am SO not pleased about getting a call from the Principal re: the chronic tardiness cycle, I'm also really not wanting to send him there. The bad really does outweigh the good at this point. I don't think it will ever be the other way around, actually. But, Grandma thinks she might have made an impact so I'm willing to let him try again, to demonstrate a little more responsibility. If he's late again, I guess he gets to go to "Alternative School". Is that so bad? I don't know, to be frank. Maybe he NEEDS an alternative to the way everyone else is doing it. The apprehension levels are quite high, but it's not completely out of the question that we could try a really alternative idea: homeschooling the last years of high school. Maybe that's what he will require to get himself ready for the rigors of college life. I hope we don't have to do that, but if it's going to be what has to happen, I know God will help us.
AND
As for the coffee reference in the title, Saturday morning (after talking on the phone until about midnite, maybe a little later)I got up and was ON TIME--GASP!!--to meet a new friend at Starbutts for coffee. Yes, it WAS about the best coffee I can recall having, for a very, very long time. No, I didn't have any special stuff in it. In fact, "Fred" was there just a little bit earlier than I, and was on his way back to a table with my large coffee and ice water when I walked in the door. I sat in Ellie for a few minutes before getting out, saying a prayer to behave like I was a pseudo-adult, and I think for the most part, I did ok. I'd carefully chosen the ensemble, (cords and a WHITE white t-shirt, and a Tres Dias denim button-up, with my clunky brown leather shoes. All-in-all a decidedly trendy, not dressed-up look for me)even colored the face a bit, and just dove in. We talked for 3 hours. THREE hours!? Is that normal?? Yes, we talked about a ton of things, and I interrupted him probably more than once--sorry Fred, I'll work on it--but it felt like we were on the same page in so many areas of our lives. My legs were so stiff when I got up to to to the bathroom, I tried to think of something we could do, like moving around, but it was cold and windy and even snowed a little bit while we were in there.
My friend was such a delight to sit with, I just want to talk to him like that for days. He said in the earlier part of our discussion that he tends to wait too long for things, sometimes. Like he will wait to be sure it's God's will, and then (it sounded like--> get stuck and not be able to move when he probably ought to. I have to remind myself to stay like that, in every area, today. I wonder if it's anything at all like the opposite side of the fence, where I am. I have to remind myself often that I must do the opposite of what I WANT to do. And, FWIW, this isn't limited to men, and not new since I've been an adult. It's the typical new-friend behavior I've always had. Dad used to say that we "glom" onto people and they get overwhelmed, with too much of us, too soon...
AND here's another crazy thing: I KNOW that I can read people, well, easily, and I like to do it OFTEN. But guess what?! I felt so stupid afterward, as I realized that I was oblivious to any signals from him. Was that because he is a professional at speaking to people, in general, and has learned to have virtually no body language? Or was it that I was just watching too closely? Or....??
Sheesh. I have always gotten really psyched at the prospect of a good friend who KNOWS the things of God like I do. That's mostly what this is. I know that I don't believe in coincidences, and I am grateful for whatever reasons He had for letting us meet. Probably just a networking thing. Time will tell.
P.S.
To those 2 or 3, maybe, who are reading this, could you p.ease send me an email or leave a comment or something, so I will know that it's not just me and the keyboard here? I'd really appreciate it.
I don't know what's next, but I have been blessed to have met this man, and I am grateful for another Godly person in my life.


~blessings
abbie

...THE biggest dork I know? That would have to be me.

Wow.

Am I going to feel this way about myself when I'm 45? 55? 87??? God knows I hope not. By then, I will hopefully become so completely UN-conscious of "self" that I won't even notice myself blushing. Seriously.
I let my impatience get the best of me, and sent a note to a man I've been getting to know, online; then he tells me that he's checked out my blog: DOH!!
OK, so I KNEW that when I sent the email, it had a link to this blog IN it, didn't I? Uh, YEAH. And, probably, I'd put the link in the signature of my emails b/c I'd hoped that someone would CLICK it, right?
Right.
So, you might be able to make the connection between my knowing these things, and yet feeling like an utter dork when I realized that now he knows a LOT more about me than I'd perhaps intended for him to, at this point.
Arrgh.
The good news is, he seems to have taken it well. Or maybe he didn't actually read much. Hm. Lord, please don't let this be a lesson for me about how I mess things up when I am not PATIENT.

So.
I'll call this particular friend, uh, Fred. Hi, Fred, if you're reading this! I guess we have more to talk about on our first meeting than you'd previously been aware of, huh? Well, I would have told you this soon enough, anyway, so I am just going to plow on through, as if I meant to do that. (Meant to tip my hand, I mean.)

I realize, of course, that the whole idea in being introduced to someone, regardless of the "how" and "why", is to let them get to know you, and vice versa, in hopes of forming a more permanent relationship. And I will have been nothing short of 100% honest in my presenting myself; it's just that I'd hoped to have time for him to get to know "ME", today, before learning about the big, fat "me" of way back then. You know, let them come to like and maybe even DIG on who I am, before they try to digest how it is that I came to exist in this present form.

OK, so I'm going to remain hopeful, and push out the thoughts of being maybe just a tad bit TOO transparent for any "Normie" to really be fond of.
So, on the chance that I might meet a new friend this weekend, would you all please ask God to fix him up with some rose-colored glasses, just for this occasion? Granted, I am one of the Creator's most creative pieces of work, and incredibly charming in person, but...
I just remembered the face of Lucille Ball, back in the black & white days, with her big red-lipsticked mouth in that almost-perfect "O" as the camera pulled out on her bawling b/c of "another fine mess" she'd gotten herself into... I'll keep you posted. If I instantaneously combust over this, I'll try to have someone post the info, posthumously for me.