Spring break already?!

Hiya! I've been away for a couple of weeks, now, and the best excuse I can give you is that I've gotten a new phone (2, actually, I had to return the first new one after ALMOST mastering it! UGH!!), and it's been kind of consuming me, as I try to figure out all the cool stuff it's got. (I got a cheap-ish Android. Just the basics, but WOW!) We stayed with Straight Talk, as our providers, even though their customer service HAS to be the ABSOLUTE worst. As I say that, I realize that I've not dealt with many Customer Service ppl, and it's possible that there are way worse ones out there. Eep! O.o
Anyway, that's not why I wanted to check in. Here's why:
I've been texting & emailing with a long-lost friend, lately. She's wonderful and so strong. She's got over 5 years clean, which is no small feat, in itself, and recently had a baby. Awesome, huh? Yeah, it kinda is. Then, you factor in her older son's struggle with (untreated) depression -lives with his dad-and failing grades in school, and you add the constant turmoil with a violent and psychotic ex, and custodial drama with the baby-daddy, and her own physical health issues...and it just makes it all too clear how getting clean is NOT the end of the race. It's a start in the right direction, but life, itself is SO much more complicated than "get off the _____, and live right!" one might think.
There's a saying in meetings about clearing away the wreckage of the past, and my dear friend, like everyone who has had a chemical dependency, has quite an accumulation of wreckage. But she does have one strong asset going for her that the majority of addicts don't, necessarily: She's got a Bible-believing support group, in addition to the step meetings, and she know where to find the answers. She's so smart and willing to do what she must.
I really can't say how proud I am of her, and how much I'm praying and rooting for her to get the dragons slayed. Most of us come into recovery with relationship (hostage) issues, and I'd bet a large majority of addicts and alcoholics have underlying mental health issues, too. These are just a couple of the things that have to be addressed to get to the real goal: Peace. Happiness (occasionally, at least). Self-supporting through our own contributions.... and, basically just LIVING rather than surviving.
So, when you're counting your blessings, and saying your prayers, keep this in mind, will ya? And add my friend to your prayers.
Thanks. God bless you.

About me...

So this is December, 2012. So far the temperatures have felt a lot like winter in the middle of Florida, instead of central Indiana. Balmy, almost. Tomorrow it's supposed to get closer to the norm, they say. I'm kind of enjoying the variety.
I've been pretty much "cheating" on my blogging duties, here for a while, and this post marks my returning to the kind of blogging that reveals a bit more of who I am, in hopes that through my story, you might somehow feel better about living your own story.
I suppose that the best place to begin this new revelationary section is to try to catch you up to what's going on in my world. Wow, now I'm wondering if it's even possible for me to touch briefly on things without this becoming a 500-page novella!

In case we haven't met:
Hi. I'm Abbie. I've been married to the Man o' my Dreams for coming up on 2 years. We met on http://www.christiandatingforfree.com  about 3 years ago. I'd been looking (for him, I now know) for several years, and yes it included kissing more than a couple frogs. I figured out after a while that even on a Christian site, you have to read the ads a lot like you'd read any ad trying to sell something. (Read between the lines. A LOT.) He was living and working at the Fort Wayne, IN. Salvation Army where he'd gotten clean & sober, and my 2 boys and I were living in Franklin, IN. in "subsidized housing" while I worked on a degree in Substance Abuse Counseling. Several years before he & I getting together, I'd found a small church that I'd grown to love.
Prior to recovery, I'd almost exclusively been taught about the harsh/wrathful angry God, which led me to conclude after a while that I'd just as soon not even try to do "right" since I hadn't EVER been able to measure up, even to just the requirements of my earthly father.  Probably halfway into the years of my active addiction, I decided that I'd just focus on being "EVIL".
As far as the details of my life in active addiction, really? If you've ever been an addict or are now, let me assure you, our stories aren't much different. Maybe the locations, the "circles" we ran in might have been different, but what matters, really, is the feelings and the fact that I had been willing to do whatever was required to get the HELL away from ME. Sound familiar?
I suppose I should tell you that before I found drugs and alcohol (self-medicating, you know), I'd already come to the conclusion that there were things in my mind that were, uh, different from everyone else. I still wonder sometimes which came first: the mental illness or the addiction? Not that it really matters, but it is something I wonder about.

I'm the mother of 2 beautiful boys, B & E, and at the moment we cohabitate with 3 cats: Oli, Booger, and Pretty. At different times, we've had Leopard Gekko's, birds, and I also had a little chinchilla for a time, while living in Germany. I've always enjoyed the company of animals over that of humans, and in retrospect I believe that I feel that way due to the dysfunction in my family of origin. The only emotional constants were fear and rage. (Dad did his best, but that's how he was raised. Mom tried to protect me, but it was not an easy proposition.) I was left to find comfort and love from my pet.
Don't get me wrong: my parents did their very best. Don't we all? "This is how I was raised, and so it's what comes naturally" while dealing with the rigors of family life. I knew I never wanted my kids to be as terrified of me as I was of my Dad. Thank God I saw that there was a better way to live, before I had any children of my own.
Well, that's about all I've got for now. Here's the short version of some things I've left out:
I am a Follower of Christ, NOT "religious". My children mean more ot me than they can imagine. I have many regrets where my "parenting" them is concerned, but by the grace of God, I'm learning... I have an odd sense of humor and sometimes I've been known to be "inappropriate". (Whoops!) I don't take myself too seriously, and I rely heavily on the grace of God. I love the country, prefer contemporary Christian music or Worship/Praise tunes. My best friends have primarily been 4-footed, and I'm a little bit crafty.
Blessings & ttfn ; )

Courage to change the things I CAN

OK, Sunday morning before church, I put a bit more of the screaming pink color on my hair, and now there is NO way you cannot see it. It's really bright. It symbolizes to me, the flowers coming up b/c I am really OVER the dreariness of the winter. It has barely snowed, and it's been grey and depressing, IMHO, so I got my hair to look a bit more alive.
Now, this morning I sat, and exercised---no, really!--- for like an hour watching the Biggest Loser from the NBC website. (See link below) I think this might just help me to get the motivation I need to JUST FREAKIN' DO IT!!!!!! Coz, ya know, when ya get to doing those searching and fearless moral inventories, and I look at whether my feet are matching up with my mouth, truth is, my butt says that I still DO have some non-spiritual "coping" mechanisms in place. I've had a picture of myself posted in my medicine cabinet for about a year now, looking really bovine, and I HATE that picture. It's telling the truth, is why. Even the picture of Valerie Bertinelli (the before picture) hasn't been all THAT impressive. I guess I am going to have to just quit whining to myself and making excuses. UGH. So, blog-browsers, now you know the thing that I most struggle with, intimately.
I LOVE ice cream. I would marry some cake with that whipped cream icing---or even the cream cheese kind! But I hate the way I feel and look. No, I'm not as big as the ppl on the Biggest Loser, but it would really be easy to go there. I consciously put on weight for a while, KNOWING that it was a good place to hide. Knowing it would be a way to discourage any kind of advances...
So. there it is.
I am glad that no one reads this, yet. I am afraid that there will be repercussions or the accountability kind. I really need some help, but I don't know where to look. I can't afford a membership and that never worked before. I just dealt with the guilt of wasting the money.
Maybe a friend will turn up and tell me that we are going to do something together on a regular basis. Yeah right. Well, I do know that when I've gotten uncomfortable enough, I will make the changes I need to. I just hope I can get the strength and determination together to DO IT and not quit.

Please pray for me.
:o)