Happy Thursday!

Greetings, fellow Wanderers, Seekers, and occasional Dancers! I've gotta tell you, this week has been fraught with good stuff.
One good thing was that I heard God telling me something as I was telling my sweet hubby something entirely different. It was painful to accept, but the gist was that I need to let go of some "dreams" I've been holding onto for SO long. The lesson was, I'm hoping and trusting, that as I let go of the dream, God will fill the empty hand with something FAR better-something of HIS choosing (-which always turns out better, anyway) I won't be surprised if there are other dreams of my own creation that I need to release, but the one that I was confronted with the other day was a good step, I think.
Another good GOOD thing, is that I seem to have somehow gotten past (translation: DELIVERED FROM) the serious resentments I've held onto towards my ex-husband for SO so long. Somehow, that in itself could have a part to play in some other great developments in our little home. I'll just say that there is a new element to the relationship between the Big Guy and the Little One, which has been delightful for all involved.  :) And it's not even Christmas, yet!!
Meanwhile, in the rest of the world, the onslaught of fleas has not yet been conquered. I've tried everything I think short of bombing the apartment and getting the cats to a vet to be flea-dipped. That's likely to take a large chunk out of the (SMALL) Christmas funds, but it's all I want for a present at this point. Poor little critters are all ate up and they are just miserable. God, HELP!!
Take it easy, kids. Let's meet at a meeting soon, k? : )  

Wow. Bigger than me, finally.

Of course I will deny it until my dying day, but just between you and I, today, I will admit that my oldest child, B, is indeed, bigger than me in some ways. His feet, for example. He was delighting in slipping on my way-cool tennies to run out to the car for a sec, a few months ago, but that day has definitely gone. He even wore them to school once, last year! That brat! We both thought it was funny, but I'm just glad that it's past, now. It would save money, I guess, if he'd stayed my size, but I'd hate it for him to only ever be 5'9"-ish.
AND I called my old BFF today, finally, after thinking about it for waaay too long. OH CRAP! I was s'posed to call her back tonight. SORRY GAILBETH!!! Sheesh. If memory cells were required for life I'd have died a long time ago, I guess.
I cinched that friendship, when I gave birth to my eldest on HER birthday...hee hee. How's THAT for a friend? I've never had anyone produce a child for my birthday...I guess I'm just not (sniff) that important. (sniff) ;o)
Well, I'm sorry to say that the presents around here were veerrry slim, indeed. The funds have dried up, and of course there was no more than a late-afternoon phone call from the dXh for B.

"(monotone) ...just called to tell B happy birthday...uh...(click)"

The under-whelmed look on his face said it all, really. How sad is it to not even be able to sound happy when you call regarding the day your kid was born? Thank you GOD that I'm not married to him anymore. I just can't stand the way he made B feel for so long. I hate that I was so slow in finishing that deal. I just hope and pray that the boy won't be too scarred for life from my inability to do what had to be done.
I wish there was some consolation in knowing that it's normal to have regrets as a parent, but as I'm sure you know, there isn't any. I will always have regrets. I see the ways my choices have worn down my boys, and it makes me just want to kick my own ass. Knowing the "why"s doesn't erase the pain in their eyes. It doesn't make it any better. Won't make their lives any less screwed up, as a result. Sure, I might do better in some ways, because of simply knowing more about mental health and addictions than my parents did. But for cryin' out loud.
One of the Promises in the Big Book is that we will not regret the past nor wish to close the door on it. Hm. Well, that's another thing in there that I'm not sure I can really agree with, fully. That probably makes 2 things. Not bad, overall. Sure, some tough times have made me a better person, but I guess I'd still rather get rid of the self-inflicted ones.
Last night in our small group (church thing), we were talking about how trials can make us better people, and one guy was saying how he wishes he could understand the reasons for the trials in relationships, or the lessons he was to learn. I thought "my relationship troubles have almost always been of my OWN making." I wonder if normies ever think of things like that? Well, maybe it's not "normies", but I guess it's just odd to me at this point when people don't get that sort of thing. Knowing that it's only from the program and the steps that *I* get them...

Well, it's too late as usual.
May you have a blessed day tomorrow, and until I post again...
:o)

Happy Valentine's Day!

I suppose it IS kind of odd for me to be happy about this particular holiday, when there has not been a time in my life--ever, I suppose--when I was less interested in the gist of what Valentine's Day is all about. NOT that there haven't been the occasional "warm fuzzy" thoughts floating around in my head, of late, but just for today I will not be acting on them.
I remember the first time anyone gave me a dozen roses. Ironically, he wasn't even all that interested in me, per se. Tim B., an older man (19, or so, I suppose), he was funny and a bit hyperactive as I recall, but really had a cute butt, and Mom thought he was tolerable...so, I was fairly smitten, just by the gift. The roses were beautiful, as they pretty much always are. Although Tim really wasn't around that much after that, he did earn his place in the annals of my own history.
There have been numerous other bunches of flowers in my life since then; some were from prospective lovers, some from dog-house dwellers. They all really did smell as sweet, as if they had been called by any other name.
This year, the only Valentine I will be receiving is in a large envelope that my sweetie (E, the 7-year-old) brought back from his Dad's this evening. I have my suspicions that dXh had something more to do with it than just supplying the necessary items to make it. then again, I'm not sure he's still actively thinking of getting back together right at this time. If there is one consistent thing in our relationship, it's been our flip-flopping as to whether we want to work on it or not. He says I've been that way, but I don't really see it. He being the bi-polar piece of the puzzle, it's easy to guess that he is guilty, either way. So, he's either got a motive for the Valentine my littlest one created for me, or he's taking a breather from trying (in his own imaginary ways) to get me back. I hope it's the latter, to be honest.
I have been having thoughts of a certain tool of his I wouldn't mind borrowing, but that would be a really bad idea now, and I think I'll go for yet another first: NOT allowing my hormones to get me in trouble, and seeing what happens if I just say "NO" to my self-indulgent urges. The bad part is, I've recently met a few decent-enough single men, who would be fun for a romp...but, really. I'm NOT that woman, now. I just want to talk trash to them, but I know that it would be messed up of me to tease them like that, and it would also open up the possibility of me not just 'talking' at some point. And as I will continue to remind myself: I have much greater value now, than to just give it away. NOT to mention that it is kind of exactly one of the things I'm positive that Jesus would not want me to be doing. It devalues me and the other person. OK, then.
Waiting to hear about 2 potential PT jobs. One is a Social Work kind of gig, and the other has high exercising potential... I'd love to get them both!!!
Until next time, be sure to hug your sweetie for me, and have a happy Valentine's Day!